Dear Annie: I lost my son

Dear Annie: I lost my 32-year-old son (the baby of my three kids) almost two years ago to a fentanyl overdose; we all battled his addiction right along with him for more than a decade. He was in and out of jail, and actually skipped out on a court-ordered rehab (which of course led to more jail time).

He had several broken romantic relationships because he stole from his girlfriends. I paid for rehab, which failed within 60 days of him getting out. I paid for his room at a sober living house, which he got thrown out of within two weeks because they found drugs on him.

He was homeless at times because I couldn’t let him live with me; I was not going to be stolen from, but I did buy him groceries and clothing as needed. When he was sober, he was an amazing young man — intelligent, loved to read and draw, was a wonderful musician, was funny and silly with his niece and nephew, and was very giving of his time and energy to anyone who needed help.

Unfortunately, the addiction removed that amazing young man farther and farther away from us until it took him completely. My son was cremated, and many family members got pendants with his ashes in them as a memorial. I wear mine every day, so he is always next to my heart.

Most days I still cry a little bit because I miss him so much. I, too, have guilt about everything. What more could I have done to save him? The only options that I can see would have completely torpedoed my own life, which means they weren’t really options.

I had an inscription put on my son’s urn: “If love could have saved you, you would have lived forever.” My advice to parents and grandparents with an addicted child is to remember that you can’t save anyone from themselves, no matter how hard you try and no matter how much it hurts. Be kind to yourself. All we can ever do is love them and pray that someday, something will change within them to bring them away from that hell. And, if the worst happens, pray that they find the peace in heaven that they could not find here. — Probably Crying Forever

Dear Crying Forever: I am so sorry for your loss.

Your son sounded like a wonderful young man. Thank you for sharing your letter. I hope it brings comfort to others in similar situations.

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“How Can I Forgive My Cheating Partner?” is out now! Annie Lane’s second anthology — featuring favorite columns on marriage, infidelity, communication and reconciliation — is available as a paperback and e-book. Visit Creators Publishing for more information. Send your questions for Annie Lane to [email protected].