This is an open letter to Nick Saban. There’s some opinion.

Dear colleague:

I knew it. All these years, all the news conferences, all the air quote rants. It all makes sense now. It was all big audition for the career you’ve always wanted.

You’re a media guy now!

Welcome to the party.

ESPN announced Wednesday what I’ve suspected all along. The urge to join this elite fraternity of well-dressed, halftime hot dog scarfing with your credential dangling was too strong to resist.

Only the fools think the real money is in coaching. HA!

You’re gonna love hanging out in the basement of the Sandestin resort with the rest of us during the SEC Spring Meetings this year. All those stiffs will attend in the “real meetings” upstairs but the real work is done in the windowless conference room

Have I mentioned the hot dogs? Glizzy City, my friend.

Now the skeptics will overlook all our fun interactions of the past as a sign you didn’t respect the sporting press.

They’ll say those scowls and frowns at questions are evidence.

They would be like “Oh, Saban thinks these guys don’t know football” or “they look like nerds who never once touched grass” or “anyone could do their jobs.”

Like the late great Los Angeles Times columnist Jim Murray famously said, “Well, fooled ‘em again.”

That whole angry press conference bit was always in the master plan.

It was just your way of showing you were one of the guys, prepping for the old press box hazing you knew was coming once you shed that coaching cocoon and emerged as the media guy you always were deep down.

Respect.

Do you like Dr. Pepper?

It’s all you can drink at SEC Media Days. Perfect for washing down our perfectly ketchupped and mustarded hot dogs.

This is gonna be so much fun.

But first, a few more bits of advice from an old vet of your new profession:

• Don’t let coaches bully you when asking them questions. Deep down, they really want your job.
• It’s fine to speculate during interviews. Show these coaches how much you know by injecting your opinion into questions that ultimately solicit a comparison to a great player of the past. Even better if they’re freshmen or recent signees.
• Everyone’s gonna love you now so get ready to take selfies every time you go out in public.
• When in doubt, ask Bob Holt how he’d do it. He’s the real GOAT.

More than anything, just have fun with this. It’s not a real job, right?!

You get to talk sports with your friends on TV. As part of ESPN’s College GameDay, you’ll get a break from your beachside mansion to travel all over the nation. You’ll get to places like predawn Eugene, and warm Ann Arbor and hospitable Baton Rouge.

And eat free hot dogs.

Do you like Courtyard by Marriott?

Budddddy.

Welcome to the good life. You’re gonna love it here.

To think some guys retire and run for Congress? Who wants to hang out with those nerds when you can hang with the cool guys you always secretly envied?

Not you!

Welcome to the family.

Your pal and colleague,

Rat Poison