Alaina Bookman reports for the “Beyond the Violence” collaborative, a partnership between AL.com, The Birmingham Times and CBS42. Support her work here.

Susann Montgomery-Clark lost her daughter to domestic violence in 2019. She now uses her experience to warn others about the horrors of abuse.

Montgomery-Clark founded the Megan Montgomery Foundation after her daughter, Megan Montgomery, was murdered by her estranged husband. Advocates say recognizing the signs of an unhealthy and unsafe relationship could possibly save a life. Through Sept. 30, 2023, Birmingham police say there have been 5,469 domestic incidents reported and 461 arrests made.

“This doesn’t start early in the relationship. Later in the relationship they hurt, or threaten to hurt you, or your pets, or hurt your children or your other family members. It’s a way to trap you in the relationship so you are so afraid to leave,” Montgomery-Clark said.

Domestic violence can take many shapes and forms; it can be physical, sexual, emotional, economic, psychological or technological actions or threats that influence another person within an intimate partner relationship.

Red flags for domestic violence may look like:

• Love bombing
  • Demanding commitment early in the relationship
  • Showering partner in gifts early in the relationship
  • Constant praise, compliments or flattery
• Controlling behavior
  • Demanding access to partner’s phone or social media
  • Protesting against partner’s time alone
  • Isolating partner from friends and family
  • Crossing set boundaries
  • Stalking
  • Belittling
  • Manipulation
  • Gaslighting
  • Sabotage
• Jealous behavior
  • Possessiveness
  • Accusations
  • Suspicions
  • Questioning partner’s behavior or day-to-day activities
• Volatility
  • Angers easily
  • Verbal harassment
  • Physical aggression

LaRhonda Magras, CEO of the Young Women’s Christian Association of Central Alabama, said abuse is often a cycle.

She said domestic abuse often starts with poor communication. The offender may escalate unhealthy behavior gradually until a more serious, dangerous incident occurs.

These incidents could be physical, sexual, emotional, economic, or psychological actions or threats made to harm their partner.

Magras said a reconciliation period will follow the incident. However, the cycle will repeat.

“Don’t blame the victim and don’t pressure them to leave. Don’t question why they don’t leave, because that’s victim blaming when the blame should be on the perpetrator. When friends and relatives start blaming them, that drives them right back to the perpetrator,” Montgomery-Clark said.

Magras said there are options for those looking to escape abusive relationships.

YWCA advocates work to empower victims and survivors of domestic abuse by offering safety planning, case management, resources, referrals, relocation and legal advocacy. Their crisis line is operated 24/7.

• Main Line: 205-322-9922
• Crisis Line: 205-322-4878
• Additional domestic violence resources can be found on their website.