This is an opinion column.

“Alexa, how do you tell a girl you like her?” In 2023, this is how it begins. Our sons and daughters have the same questions we did a generation ago. The main difference is that they have more access to information than any other humans in history. In our cultural chaos, we must provide them with reasoned guidance to navigate the most important relationships in their lives.

My son clearly wasn’t satisfied with Alexa’s answer.

In typical teenage fashion, he enlisted one of his friends to help inquire about a certain young lady’s interest in him. The time-honored tradition serves as a buffer against rejection, but, at least for young men, male friends are often miserable at relaying critical, detailed information.

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My wife and I figured something was afoot when our eldest son became fanatically focused on spending an afternoon at the mall. While yesteryear’s shopping bazaars have devolved into post-apocalyptic shells, they remain a popular place for teens to congregate, grab some food, and socialize. The mall is also a relatively safe, controlled venue for my son to exercise the first steps of independence and sound judgment.

My son explained to my wife that a young lady who has piqued his interest would be there. My bride gently referred him to me for a conversation about dating and relationships. We’re an open family, so discussing sensitive topics isn’t unusual. We’ve already had “the talk” and many subsequent conversations about engaging women.

This was different.

It was far less clinical than our previous conversations. My son was obviously floored that a young woman reciprocated interest in him. I remember the absolute shock and disorientation associated with such a discovery. The immediate response of any honest male is, “Are you sure?”

Modern teens face an unimaginable amount of pressure to have girlfriends and boyfriends. My wife and I carefully watch these dynamics at play. We’ve already had several dinner conversations where my 14-year-old has commented on my 11-year-old’s “rizz” at his Christian middle school. For the uninitiated, “rizz” is a shortened form of “charisma” in relation to popularity with the opposite sex.

The Beast, as we affectionately call our oldest, mentions different friends “pulling” girls. My immediate response, like clockwork, is, “From where to where?” I’ve reached the point in life where dad jokes are essential.

Kidding aside, discussions of dating and sexuality happen far earlier than they did for my generation.

Every last one of us has an unyielding need to be loved. We want someone to believe that we’re special. In the Bible’s creation narrative, God realized that it wasn’t good for man to be alone. Connection is written into our souls.

My son wants to belong as much as anyone. The culture around him and many of his peers reinforce that having a girlfriend is critical to his value. The affirmation of a woman is indeed a powerful force, but increasingly the woman is lost in the exchange.

I asked my son to tell me his plans for engaging this particular young woman. He mostly stared at his feet. “What differentiates your relationship with her from other women?” I asked. “What is your goal?” He asked me to tell him the answers or at least offer a multiple choice test. I smiled and let him know that my job is to guide him. I need and expect him to reach an understanding on his own.

Much to my wife’s chagrin, I also suggested that my son should take the young lady’s father to lunch and introduce himself. My wife correctly pointed out that my son cannot drive, the lunch would be incredibly awkward, and that dating practices in the 19th Century South are not necessarily applicable in 2023. Offering to pay for said lunch didn’t make my suggestion any more palatable.

Thankfully, my wife is an excellent translator. She understood my focus on relational intentionality even at a young age. She calmly engaged the conversation and explained to my son the difference between putting in the work of knowing a woman well and being in love with the idea of a girlfriend. He realized that the first step in the relationship continuum is both critical and time-intensive. We also helped him see there isn’t an immediate need to publicly declare his relational status.

Knowing someone is so often missed in an era where relationships are designed for Instagram. Human connection can’t be reduced to the social equivalent of a hood ornament. We monitor and limit our teenage son’s phone access because we’ve seen what he’s up against.

For millennia, women have known what catches male attention. Unfortunately, the reactive loop from social media and even text messaging either affirms or diminishes their self-worth in an instant. The young women my sons might date are on a perpetual treadmill of aesthetic approval as soon as they have phones. Young men have the opportunity to evaluate their female peers with their eyes before ever engaging their hearts or minds.

In spite of the cultural strides we’ve made supporting professional opportunities for females, we pay shockingly little attention to the gross sexualization and objectification of girls and young women.

My wife and I aren’t interested in our sons contributing such a cultural wasteland. We’re teaching them to talk with women. We expect them to be gentlemen rather than digital voyeurs. Defining an awkward teen relationship is less important to us than our sons appreciating the difference between knowing someone well and wanting a surface-level association for status.

I still expect my boys to respectfully engage the parents of any woman they date, but, for now, we have some time. My son has questions. Hopefully they lead to conversations with women who understand their worth and expect the same from him. In the meantime, I’ll do my best to beat out Alexa as an encouraging, reliable voice amidst the sound and fury of our cultural void.

Smith is a recovering political attorney with three boys, two dogs, a bearded dragon, and an extremely patient wife. He’s a partner in Triptych Media, a business strategy wonk, and a regular on talk radio. Please direct outrage or agreement to [email protected] or @DCameronSmith on Twitter.