This is an opinion column.

They wouldn’t…

Oh, yes, they would…

They don’t really think…

Oh, yes, they do.

They can’t be this…

Oh, yes, they can.

Republicans don’t actually believe most parents, as they claim—and let’s just be real; they mean white parents—are soooo concerned about what their child hears in history class that they’d fire the teacher if said kid comes home “feeling bad” after learning people of their race once did some very bad stuff to people of another race. Do they?

They must—since they’re going all in on cockamamie “divisive concept” legislation that does nothing but outlaw ideas that are not being “taught” in any classroom and waste taxpayer time and resources on yet more solutions in search of a problem.

Republicans don’t actually believe most Americans, as they claim, are staunchly hold-their-breath-until-their-face-turns-blue against any nibble of gun access reform. Do they?

They must—since they’ve done nothing both hold their breath—and actions—in the wake of losing-count many mass shootings and deaths. In the wake of 9-year-olds slaughtered. In the wake of neighbors and co-workers coldly gunned down as they innocently worked. In the wake of friends, gone.

They must—since they’d rather make a national embarrassment of themselves by expelling two young duly elected colleagues to the Tennessee legislative body for daring to challenge them to at least consider gun reform policies. By expelling them, and not the white female legislator who did the exact same thing (Can they be that…? I’ll stop.). By sending them to the back of the bus.

Two weeks ago, few outside of Tennessee had even heard of Rep. Justin Jones, Rep. Justin Pearson, and Rep. Gloria Johnson—the now nationally hailed Tennessee 3. Has any ill-thought-through action more blown up in the perpetrators’ faces? Oh, wait…

Republicans don’t actually think most Americans, as they claim, want to strip women of their right to think for themselves, to choose for themselves in what is undoubtedly one of the most painful decisions they’ll ever make. To rip from their reproductive rights, their family rights, of their own life rights. Do they?

They must—since birthing bills across the country that will send women to jail they choose to have an abortion beyond the number of weeks before they even knew they were pregnant, will send anyone to jail who helps a woman travel to a state where she can safely choose, will jail a physician to jail if they choose to save a woman’s life when she may die during childbirth (even she may have other children!). Bills that say whether you’ve been raped or are a victim of incest, woman, you matter less than the fetus you did not choose to conceive.

Their obstinance here cost them during the midterms and beyond. Earlier this month a proliferate anti-abortion Republican candidate for the Wisconsin Supreme Court was trounced by a Democrat, flipping the court for the first time in 15 years and give their party a majority that will soon likely consider overturning the state’s abortion ban and gerrymandering legislative maps.

Republicans don’t actually think Donald Trump won the 2020 election. Do they?

They (or the loudest ones) must—since they still tout it and tout it and tout it. Though few are listening anymore.

Republicans don’t actually think most Americans, as they claim, parents have the right to decide what their children are taught in class (y’all know parents have no clue what their kids are learning in math, science, and pretty much every other class, right?) yet not the right to decide their trans child’s medical treatment. Do they?

They must—since they’ve created a tsunami of toothless parents’ rights bills that don’t specify any penalties for somehow crossing a parent’s right to trump a qualified teacher or account for which parent’s right is most right in case they disagree. (See above: they mean white parents.)

Since they’ve passed bills that will send a physician to jail for adhering to their sworn Hippocratic oath.

Republicans don’t actually think public schools in large cities are “inmate factories”, as our own U.S. Rep Gary Palmer (R-Hoover) disdainfully and disrespectfully touted during a House hearing earlier this month. Do they?

They must—since he’s yet to apologize for essentially besmirching every major public-school educator and student in the nation.

Republicans don’t actually think most Americans, as they claim, believe we need new laws making it more challenging to vote, in name of preventing FRAUD (that’s them yelling) when there’s infinitesimally little proven fraud—with much of it being inadvertent. Like the 20 ex-felons in Florida whom Ron DeSantis has charged with voter fraud because many inadvertently believe their right to vote had been restored.

Republicans don’t actually think most Americans, as they claim, believe those Americans should be jailed. Or that college students should have to scale almost unattainable heights to vote. Do they?

They must—since, wait, I get it now. Every one of these actions stirred Americans. They incensed Americans. They prompted Americans to wake up—and vote.

How clever. Genius even.

So, I was wrong, after all. Republican lawmakers nationwide aren’t poshing voter suppression, but voter encouragement, voter incitement. They must want Americans to pour to the polls. To Vote like never before.

Just as they’re doing.

Oh, yes, they are…

My bad.

More columns by Roy S. Johnson

MLK’s ‘Letter from Birmingham’ Jail’ is not divisive, should be taught in all schools

Trump charges evoke Nixon memories; how lucky are we?

Even amid trash taunting, embrace Angel Reese and Caitlin Clark, in full Black and white

Heroism takes many forms; Nashville, Huntsville tragedies may tweak police narrative

After Gov Ivey signs law-and-order fentanyl bill, real work will just begin

Woke is the far right’s sky is falling; it fell on them

Alabama Republican’s ‘parents’ rights’ bill smells like ‘states’ rights’; I’m holding my nose

I’m a Pulitzer Prize finalist for commentary and winner of the Edward R. Murrow prize for podcasts: “Unjustifiable,” co-hosted with John Archibald. My column appears in AL.com, as well as the Lede. Subscribe to my free weekly newsletter, The Barbershop, here. Reach me at [email protected], follow me at twitter.com/roysj, or on Instagram @roysj