We know, parents. Raising children is hard enough already, and we know these are especially challenging times to raise a queer, trans or nonbinary child. Yes, it probably feels like a curveball is being thrown your way every other instance. Just know this: supporting your LGBTQ child is not solely a matter of loving them—it’s about having the agility to navigate a kind of landscape that has been hostile, confusing, and straight up oppressive.

If you’ve tuned in to our previous Pride guides, then you’d know about the challenges that come with finding a safe space for LGBTQ youth, understanding pleasure, parties and care for queer and trans people, and the tangled web that is navigating the journey of mental health healing. Still, being on the outskirts of the community yet being responsible for children that are of the community comes with its unique sets of challenges.

An estimate of nearly 2 million youth ages 13 to 17 in the U.S. are LGBTQ—though the estimate only represents 10% of the entire population in that age range—according to a 2020 Williams Institute report. Additionally, LGBTQ identification amongst Generation Z adults—oldest of whom are in their late twenties—is higher than all older generations, according to a Gallup report from last year; more than one in five Gen Z adults identify as part of the queer and trans community.

Today, at a time when anti-LGBTQ legislation is nearly breaking last year’s highest record of 607 bills with 604 currently being tracked, there is no denying that a large target looms over the queer, trans and nonbinary community. Especially our children. From gender-affirming care bans to even a recent law in Tennessee requiring schools to out students who choose to use a chosen name and pronouns at school, watching our LGBTQ youth struggle to merely exist can be daunting as a parent.

Disparities amongst those who are BIPOC are even starker; LGBTQ youth of color reported higher rates in suicide attempts compared to their white peers. Additionally, they are overrepresented in child welfare and juvenile justice systems, with structural racism and LGBTQ stigma likely increasing the risk that LGBTQ youth of color will enter these systems.

The hard truth is that this guide won’t absolve you or your children from the dangers of the world, but instead will offer you the knowledge and preparation you need to equip yourselves with tools to fiercely protect and support your child. Other intersectional aspects of injustices will come into play in their lives, like capitalism, racism, surveillance, ableism and all the other facets of systemic oppressions.

If there is anything our Pride guides have stressed, it’s that we take care of each other, and allies, parents and advocates are essential to our greater collective. Lifesaving, even.

Understanding rights and advocacy

LGBTQ competency on behalf of parents of queer, trans and nonbinary children require parents to be well-versed in their rights and the rights of their children. At a time where legislation is a vehicle for anti-trans rhetoric against today’s LGBTQ youth, understanding the legal landscape will empower you to advocate effectively.

We’ve seen that anti-trans sports policies at schools affect all kids, such as girls who want to participate in sports that only have boys’ teams. Additionally, we’ve seen that bathroom bans affect disabled people who need assistance in public restrooms.

Advocacy is not just mitigation acts of discrimination; advocacy is also about maintaining proactivity in the creation of a safe and inclusive space for your child. Be it working directly with school administration to implement inclusive policies or getting involved with local libraries to ensure shelves aren’t censoring crucial LGBTQ stories, your role as an advocate for your queer or trans child might be greater than you think. Let’s dive into the specifics of legal rights and strategies for dealing with discrimination:

• Staying on top of LGBTQ injustices against individuals and families: It’s crucial to know what your children are up against. Whether you’re in a “sanctuary state” like New York where there is vast LGBTQ youth support or Alabama where a local library was threatened by its mayor to remove queer-inclusive books last year. Your means of helping will vary depending on your location. Tools like the Trans Legislation, an online legislation tracker, helps divvy up anti-LGBTQ policies by state, while knowing up-to-date what pieces of legislation are dying and what needs our help. 
• Having a network of legal support: Should things get bad, remember that there is plenty of legal support dedicated to helping families of queer, trans and nonbinary children. In addition to the ACLU of your state or Lambda Legal, look up your local LGBTQ organizations who can provide, if not connect you to those with legal aid and advocacy training. There are organizations that can provide you with the tools and support necessary to navigate complex legal landscapes and fight for your child’s rights. 
• Advocating for inclusive policies in schools: Understanding your child’s rights or lack thereof in an educational environment is essential for making sure they have a safe and supportive learning environment. And if they don’t, then that is an opportunity for you to get involved. With the combination of keeping track of state’s policies that affect schools in addition to your network of legal aid, challenging schools who uphold anti-LGBTQ rhetoric over the vulnerable safety of queer and trans people is instrumental. In situations like in Oklahoma or Virginia where schools failed to interject following bullying instances, it’s crucial that parents play a role in helping establish anti-bullying policies in schools.
• Dealing with extended family and friends: Advocating doesn’t begin and end with our LGBTQ youth in schools or institutions. Personal advocacy in familial environments can help ensure your queer, trans and nonbinary children are not only safe in the world, but safe with family members, too. Consider setting clear boundaries for the sake of protecting your child. Regardless of school or home, it is important to create a network of supportive individuals who can offer encouragement and assistance when dealing with less accepting environments. 

Fostering a supportive and safe environment

As parents, creating a home and space where your queer and trans kids feel supported and loved at home is a life-saving act to ensure your LGBTQ child feels accepted and loved. By establishing an atmosphere full of understanding, open communication, and unwavering love, you might even help your children navigate these challenges they may face outside the home with bravery and a sense of self-assurance.

Earlier this year, we saw how horrific it was when 16-year-old nonbinary indigenous student Nex Benedict died shortly after their incident of bullying and physical harassment at their high school in Oklahoma. We also saw how pained their mother was over the situation, now having spoken out on bullying against trans youth. Not to mention The Trevor Project’s report on mental wellness for LGBTQ youth last year revealed that indigenous communities were the most vulnerable demographic in contemplating suicidal ideation and also suicidal attempts.

Building a nurturing home environment for LGBTQ kids strengthens the greater solidarity between a parent and a child against external challenges the child might encounter. Here are a few tips and strategies to create a safe and supportive environment both at home and beyond:

• Educating in order to accept and understand the family: An LGBTQ-inclusive home starts with education and empathy. Especially in cases where the parents themselves are not part of the community, learning about potential issues faced by their children through books, documentaries and conversations will go a long way. Show your kids diverse stories in books and media—start with the American Library Association’s (ALA) recommendations here! It can open doors to promote honest dialogue where everybody in the family feels comfortable expressing themselves. Even celebrating, like displaying pride flags in honor of having queer and trans children or participating in LGBTQ community events can solidify a parents’ solidarity. 
• How to talk to your child openly: Pay attention and talk regularly. Even in scenarios that don’t have to do anything with them directly, initiate conversations with your child. For example, what are their feelings about the rampant anti-LGBTQ youth legislation impacting them and their peers? What feelings come up about themselves in that situation, and what are ways you and your child can collaborate to figure out what to do with the feelings? Above all, be patient and listen actively. And it never hurts to reinforce that their identity is valid and that they have your unconditional love and support. 
• Recognizing signs of mental health issues in LGBTQ+ youth: LGBTQ youth have vulnerable mental health conditions, with last year showing a direct link between the public anti-trans rhetoric and the heightened mental illnesses. As parents, be vigilant for signs of depression, anxiety, or withdrawal—mood changes, sleep patterns, or appetite. Normalize the importance for your child to know that asking for help from a professional is OK. Your job then is to help find them a compatible LGBTQ-affirming mental health professional. Last year’s HRC report on mental health showed that familial acceptance also strongly ties to LGBTQ youth’s mental health. Our Pride Guide on mental health is a great place to start! 
• Providing emotional support and validation: Should your child be in a rough place emotionally, ask them: do they need support, advice or distraction? It’s not just about validating their feelings, it’s also about meeting them where they’re at. Reassure them with empathy and understanding. 
• Handling bullying and discrimination in educational settings and public spaces: Teach kids about bystander intervention and advocate for training for others! Teach kids that even if they are not directly part of a bullying altercation that they have power to interject, call for support or help mitigate further damage. In Benedict’s case earlier this year, the school administration failed to take proper safety measures following their beating at school. Working with school administrators might ensure there are clear anti-bullying policies in place and that staff are trained to handle LGBTQ issues sensitively but also encourage your child to speak up about bullying or discrimination experiences, even with only a singular trusted teacher or staff. 

Building a support network

It takes a village; you don’t have to carry the burden by yourselves as parents of queer, trans and nonbinary children. Connecting with other families and individuals who share your experiences, you can ride the ups and downs of parenthood with greater confidence and resilience knowing people have your back.

Added bonus: connecting with support groups and organizations not only benefits you, but also empowers your child to find their own community. Encouraging your child to connect with LGBTQ peers and mentors helps them feel less isolated and will only widen their horizon of support systems.

• Importance of community and peer support for both parents and children: A crew that gets it, gets it; relying on our support systems is part of the greater work of protecting LGBTQ kids. It can be overwhelming and maybe even neglectful when focusing solely on your children. Don’t forget to care for your own health by tending to your own needs. Even if that means taking that ish with other parents. 
• Finding and joining LGBTQ+ support groups and organizations: Local LGBTQ centers or even online communities offer support groups for both parents and children without needing to leave the home. Spaces like these are especially safe spaces for you to share your own challenges about raising LGBTQ children, ask for advice and even build lasting friendships. 
• Encouraging your child to connect with LGBTQ peers and mentors: Connecting your queer, trans or nonbinary child to a LGBTQ mentor can help provide a role model figure—one that can deeply empathize with them. Keep an eye out for youth groups in your area, or even if their schools have Gender & Sexuality Alliance (GSA) programs for after school where they can meet students who have been at the school longer. Mentorship programs provide invaluable guidance and support from older LGBTQ individuals—especially those who tread in similar waters. 
• Contact information for LGBTQ+ organizations and hotlines: Here’s your quick-reference guide to essential contacts: 

• The Trevor Project: 1-866-488-7386 
• PFLAG: Local chapter information available on their website 
• GLSEN: Local chapter information available on their website 
• Trans Lifeline: 1-877-565-8860
• Family Equality: 1-646-880-3005

Resources

• xHood: The first community group and organization created in service of Black queer families’ building and nurturing journeys, xHood provides space for other Black queer caregivers to finding affirming healthcare providers while actively prioritizing Black queer community members and their needs. They host the annual Black Parent Pride Summit, where in addition to rooftop gatherings and brunches, they facilitate talks, share accessible resources and intentional community with Black LGBTQ people who understand the joys, pains and intersection of the parenting journey. 
• Woke Kindergarten: Self-described as a global, abolitionist early childhood ecosystem & visionary creative “portal,” Woke Kindergarten works to support children, families, educators and organizations in their commitment to abolitionist early education and pro-black and queer and trans liberation. Some of their work include “60 second texts” where big concepts for broken down for young minds; “woke wonderings” for unconventional questions rooted in liberatory thought; “teach palestine” visual history instazines for kids and more. 
• Somos Familia: Founded in 2007 by two visionary East Bay moms, Somos Familia began as a grassroots effort to support families navigating the challenges of having LGBTQ loved ones, recognizing the significant gap in culturally competent Spanish-language resources and support. Programs include targeted retreats, health and wellness initiatives, professional development workshops, and various support groups. 
• Dads Hug Too: Investing in people through love and life skills, Dads Hug Too (DHT) is a grassroots organization that envisions doing what all dads should do: emotionally supporting and teaching LGBTQ people the skills needed to succeed in life. The volunteers of DHT are dedicated to investing in the lives of LGBTQ youth and adults and empowering them with knowledge and resources to help them gain confidence, self-sufficiency and safety. 
• COLAGE: Children of Lesbians and Gays Everywhere, also known as COLAGE, began with a group of six young people with queer parents in 1990. Today, COLAGE is a national organization dedicated to the empowerment of youth in LGBTQ families. They envision their community as part of larger movements to create positive change, heal from and ultimately counter discrimination in school systems, social services, mental and physical health systems, the media, legislatures, legal systems, and religious institutions in order to build communities in which all families are valued. 
• Gender Spectrum: In hopes to create a gender-inclusive world for all children and youth, Gender Spectrum is an organization helping families, organizations and institutions increase their understanding of gender and consider the implications that evolving views have for everyone. They provide downloadable resources guides, from understanding gender to how to change passport names. 
• Oasis Legal Services: Founded in 2017 by four women, Oasis Legal Services provides legal assistance with asylum, residency, naturalization, Violence Against Women Act (VAWA) and family petitions for LGBTQ immigrants. With over 35 years of combined professional experience in immigration legal services for the community, they have helped over 2,700 queer and trans immigrants navigate immigration relief and benefits. They also provide holistic social services to existing clients. 
• TransFamily Support Services: Committed to a diverse, inclusive, and equitable environment where all clients, staff, volunteers and board members feel respected and valued regardless of identity, TransFamily Support Services guide transgender and nonbinary youth and their families through the gender transitioning process at no cost. They provide family coaching, assistance with healthcare and insurance issues, help navigating the legal system and support at schools. 

Remember:

Supporting your LGBTQ child will always be a game-changer that casts a light forward, not to mention is a crucial part of our duties in building the future we want to see. Understand your rights (and understand them well), conjure that safe space and watch the magic happen as your kid(s) shine. Let’s keep pushing for a brighter and inclusive future for all generations on the horizon.

In honor of Pride Month, Reckon is rolling out the final Pride Guide. Given the rise in anti-LGBTQ legislation and rhetoric across the country, we recognize the urgent need to address the challenges faced by our community. Our weekly guides have aimed to provide practical resources, coping mechanisms, and expert advice to help individuals navigate these difficult times and prioritize their wellbeing, pleasure and success because we take care of us.