Parents, teachers, and coaches often say things they never thought they’d have to say. Real sentences I’ve uttered include “Let’s keep the mulch off the kitchen table” and “Next time you run a fast break, stop near the hoop – don’t sprint into the parking lot.” Cultural observers, mass communicators, and people who write for publication sometimes find themselves in a similar situation. Here’s a baffling public service announcement the world somehow needs:

Spraying ungodly factory-made chemicals on your crotch or injecting salmon sperm into your face are bad ideas.

Wait, what?

(That’s the correct reaction.) Keep reading.

Most of us have seen the commercials for the former, for “full-body deodorants.” These ads show happy people dousing their privates with roll-on or aerosolized chemicals; some even regale us with “balls, under-boob and butt” sung to the toddlers’ tune (or formerly toddlers’ tune?) of “Head, Shoulders, Knees and Toes.”

I’d argue that if we don’t have the common sense to realize spraying mass-produced, made-as-cheaply-as-possible industrial chemicals on our thinnest skin and most sensitive areas is stupid, we’re really in trouble. I’d even argue that if we don’t have a visceral “WTF” reaction to these ads, we’re really in trouble. I mean, y’all … Sometimes people stink. And sometimes certain parts stink worse than others. And that’s okay. It’s part of being human. Especially if you’re working in the heat or exercising, you’re going to sweat (science note: that’s so you don’t potentially die). Heck, here in Alabama, the summer air is basically sweat. Sweat and stink for a bit, then take a shower. Most of us are lucky enough, at least for now, to enjoy the miracle of clean running water. That’s new under the sun, and it’s awesome. Use it. We even have soap. No need for more chemicals designed to increase a corporation’s profit, just to avoid a few moments of – gasp! – odor.

I understand some people have medical conditions, unusual genetics, diets, or medications that contribute to, shall we say, extra funkiness of the non-James-Brown variety, but those small groups are not what these ad campaigns (and half our economy) are about. The commercials and the products they hawk wouldn’t exist if they were targeted only at that niche demographic. The campaigns are designed to heighten and prey on mass insecurity. Apparently we don’t remember the sordid histories of delicately worded but public pressure on women to use unhealthy feminine deodorant sprays or douches, because the same kind of thinking seems to be back in vogue.

Selling beliefs, programs, or products that work against human traits is a winning formula not just for control but for profit. It’s an even easier swindle as we swim through cultural currents created by our insecurity-stoking, ultra-visual, superficial modern media: Step 1, make people ashamed or at least insecure, preferably about a basic human characteristic. Step 2, sell them something to “solve” that “problem,” whether the alleged remedy is a candidate, clergyman, or consumer product. Better yet, get the attractive and gullible (or cynical) to sell it themselves. A recent study by Northwestern University found that skin-care routines recommended by the millions on TikTok are – and this might shock you – harmful.

But our inflamed insecurities combined with our scientific illiteracy are resulting in “treatments” even more harmful than those routines, even crazier than spraying chemicals on your crotch: People are paying real money for facial salmon sperm injections. Also “ionic foot detox baths” and, I kid you not, “insufflation of ozone gases through the vagina, rectum, or ear.” Let all of that sink in (not literally, please). If those treatments sound like nonsense to you, you might just be on to something. For a funny but mind-boggling tour of this comically unregulated snake oil – I mean “med spa” – industry, watch this episode of Last Week Tonight with John Oliver. Fair warning: adult humor and gruesome shots of beauty treatments gone wrong lurk within.

These procedures make me think a “sciencey” word is enough to get people to buy anything, and that’s not just here in Alabama, although we are a perennial “Top 50” state in both education and healthcare. It’s like “Brawndo, The Thirst Mutilator” in Idiocracy – the brilliant comedy that sadly has come true: “It’s got electrolytes!” So clearly, the drink is good for you and for crops. (At least I can feel proud that the Yellowhammer State’s farmers will be some of the last to fall for that as we all continue to become that dumb.)

Idiocracy aside, the things some people pay for seem so laughable it’s tempting to say, “Fools who fall for them deserve to be parted from their money.” Maybe. But do they deserve to be disfigured? Blind? Infected with HIV? Dead? (Not exaggerating. Watch the show.) And bigger-picture, just as historical and civic illiteracy in a democracy lead to serious problems, science and health illiteracy do too. Can you think of local or global problems that’d be less severe if more people knew more about them? I bet you can. Not knowing basic stuff is really not okay. But the worst politicians and snake-oil salesmen depend on our ignorance, which combines with or even contributes to our insecurity, to all of our detriment.

Speaking of things that stink, no one has ever died from a little body odor. People have died, though, from insecurity about human traits seen as negative, insecurity that pushes us toward “savior products,” some of them relatively harmless to the body and the environment, many of them not. Let’s think more about what we put in our bodies and world and remember that powerful, persistent, professionally crafted messages want you not to be okay with who and what you are. Be on the lookout. Shun them like you would a shot of salmon sperm to the face or an insufflation of ozone to the rectum.

In other words, think, be human, and be okay with that.

Dan Carsen is a writer, editor, and teacher who sometimes thinks and doesn’t mind if you stink. (Within normal human parameters, of course.) Share your thoughts with him at [email protected].