Dear Annie: My wifeâs lack of interest in intimacy has left me desperate for physical attention

Dear Annie: I have been married now for almost 23 years. Soon after the wedding, I found that my wife had virtually no interest in intimacy of any kind. Three therapists and many months later, the situation is the same. She does have admirable attributes, and I have made an effort to love her for those. The truth is that any kind of sexual relationship has been out of the question and I just have to live with it. I am desperate for physical attention, but I don’t want a divorce and cheating is out of the question, so my choices are few. — Lonely in Arizona

Dear Lonely: Therapy is not a silver bullet — disappointing, but true. It will likely take longer than the “many months” you have already invested to get to the root of your wife’s intimacy issues. Keep trying — in couples therapy and in individual therapy, for both of you. It might take years, and it might take trying more therapists, but you deserve to receive love and affection in your marriage.

Dear Annie: My husband and I have been married since 2009 and were together for 11 years before that. I love him with all my heart, and my vows are my everything. Back in the spring, I went to Colorado to help a family member who is very ill, and during that time, he moved to Iowa without telling me till the last minute. He didn’t pay our rent or utilities, so I lost my whole household.

I don’t believe that he has actually cheated on me with anyone, but he’s lied about people being at my house, my female cousin included, and even let people steal my stuff. How do I approach him and say we can work this out, but just please be honest? When will it just be like it was again? What should I do? I love him, but he won’t go to marriage counseling. Instead, he says I need to go to the library and find a book on how to be a wife. Yet, I’m the only one here to help the rest of my family, and I’m lost on how to do both. He won’t answer my calls, but I’ve got messages on my phone where he butt-dialed me, not realizing he had, and I heard whole conversations of his. Please help. — Desperate to Make It Work

Dear Desperate: It’s human nature for us to cling to what’s comfortable and familiar, but what you’ve described here sounds less and less worth clinging to. I don’t doubt that your husband has had his great moments in your time together, but you must evaluate his current behavior and all he’s put you through. Being financially irresponsible and unsupportive of your family, lying, potentially cheating and not communicating leave you with very few good attributes to work with.

Propose couples therapy once more and see what it might take for him to attend. At this point, your marriage is at a standstill, and without his cooperation and effort to get things back on track, they never will. Don’t lose sight of what you deserve.

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“How Can I Forgive My Cheating Partner?” is out now! Annie Lane’s second anthology — featuring favorite columns on marriage, infidelity, communication and reconciliation — is available as a paperback and e-book. Visit Creators Publishing for more information. Send your questions for Annie Lane to [email protected].