Dear Annie: I worry one of my sons is turning into his abusive father

Dear Annie: I will try to tell you a short version. I was married twice and had kids with both men. You could say my “picker” for men was or is broken. Anyway, I ended up leaving both men. Both were mentally abusive; one was also physically abusive. I took the kids with me.

Well, it didn’t take long for both men to start “buying” my kids, and it just kept evolving into buying them anything they want. I was poor because both men kept the child support in arrears all the time. Fast-forward and none of the kids want anything to do with me, and now they have kids, and I get to see the kids once a year, and one of my kids is turning into his father — swearing at his children all the time, with no patience, while the other parent does nothing about it. The kids aren’t physically abused, just raised to be afraid, and also don’t want anything to do with me.

This has broken my heart and soul and has caused a lot of health issues for me. I pray about it. I miss my kids and grandkids so much I’m afraid I won’t have this mother-child or grandmother-grandchild relationship that I want before I’m gone. How do I handle this? I need to do something. It’s killing me. — Broken

Dear Broken: You are anything but broken. You managed to get your children out of abusive homes, which is a feat to be proud of. Unfortunately, it seems that their fathers still had a significant impact on their lives. If you suspect any abuse going on in their homes, the first step is to call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-7233.

Beyond that, you need to reclaim some of your power. Stop feeling sorry for yourself, and stop referring to yourself as broken. When you do see your children and grandchildren, model the type of behavior that you want them to see, and clearly express how much you value quality time with them. Young children are especially impressionable; they will witness their strong, confident, articulate grandmother and try to emulate her. Don’t underestimate yourself.

View prior ‘Dear Annie’ columns

“How Can I Forgive My Cheating Partner?” is out now! Annie Lane’s second anthology — featuring favorite columns on marriage, infidelity, communication and reconciliation — is available as a paperback and e-book. Visit Creators Publishing for more information. Send your questions for Annie Lane to [email protected].