Dear Annie: I was in a long-distance relationship with a girl for several months. The relationship ended at my insistence and in the most cowardly way possible: a text. I have wrestled with the shame of that for quite some time. I have also wrestled with whether or not to reach out to her and apologize. The biggest problem is that this was 12 years ago.

I don’t wish to reconnect to try and get back together but rather to apologize for the immature, nay, dirtbag way I ended things. This has bugged me off and on for years. I did not give her the respect that she deserved. At this point, is it selfish to reach out and attempt this? What I do not want is to cause distress or anger on her part. Last I heard, she was married and happy as far as I could tell. — Torn in the Midwest

Dear Torn: It’s long been said that time heals all wounds, and after a decade-plus, I’m sure this woman has completely recovered from the damage you caused 12 years ago. That said, everyone appreciates an apology when they’ve been wronged. This has weighed on you many times over many years, and reaching out in the form of a letter or an email could serve as a final dose of closure for you both.

Poet Nikki Giovanni once said: “Mistakes are a fact of life. It is the response to the error that counts.” Keep any correspondence to this woman brief and don’t expect any sort of reply. Better late than never.

Dear Annie: I’ve noticed that you often, if not always, tell your readers to try counseling. I thought it might be helpful if your readers heard from a believer.

I spent some time in counseling during the late stages of my marriage and the early stages of my divorce. The best part of counseling for me was that no matter what I told my therapist, I knew she had heard worse from someone else, so I wasn’t embarrassed to tell her everything she needed to know to help me. She was not invested in my real life, so she wasn’t predisposed to picking sides, like what happens when you vent to a family member. You can tell them everything. She listened and walked me through the process of accepting my faults and encouraging and cheering me on when I started making good choices.

Sadly, as it sometimes happens, she left the practice that accepts my insurance. I was scheduled with a new therapist, but I didn’t like her, so they moved me to another therapist. I didn’t realize switching was an option if I didn’t click with my appointed therapist. I kept changing until I found one I was comfortable with. I’m sure there are others who don’t know they can change either. When I eventually stopped going to counseling, I took the basic tools I learned with me — coping skills, grounding techniques, the knowledge that sometimes I need to make myself get off the couch but sometimes it is OK to stop and allow myself to cry. My time in counseling was short. The list of basic tools I took away from it is endless. — A Believer

Dear Believer: Thank you for your perspective. Oftentimes, people expect counseling to be an automatic cure-all, and they are disappointed when they don’t have immediate “breakthroughs.” As you say in your letter, sometimes it takes a hefty amount of work to even find the right therapist. Once that happens, it takes even more work to identify your obstacles and build the skills to cope with them.

My message to readers is to push through that frustration. If you want to make a change, you will have to put in the work. The payoff will be priceless.

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“How Can I Forgive My Cheating Partner?” is out now! Annie Lane’s second anthology — featuring favorite columns on marriage, infidelity, communication and reconciliation — is available as a paperback and e-book. Visit Creators Publishing for more information. Send your questions for Annie Lane to [email protected].

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