Dear Annie: An old friend is judging me without getting my side of the story

Dear Annie: I have known one of my friends, “Pam,” for more than 50 years, and at times she has been a very good friend. She and her husband introduced me to my now-ex-husband and were both in my wedding party.

Last year, I had a disagreement with a mutual friend, “Sharon.” Quite frankly, I thought Sharon was in the wrong, but I decided her friendship was more important than who was right and who was wrong. I apologized to Sharon and took the blame.

When we all had our 50th high school reunion recently, Pam hung out with Sharon and only briefly said hello to me, though her husband came over to talk to me.

More recently, she sent me an email saying that my ex-husband had come to visit her husband and her. She said that he looked badly, and he told her that my children have not been there for him, which is not the truth. She told me I should speak with my adult children and tell them to visit him more.

I feel that in both instances — with Sharon and my ex-husband — Pam judged me without hearing my side of the story. I would never dream of telling her that her two kids were not assisting her or her husband without knowing more. How should I handle this? — Friends Like These

Dear Friends Like These: It is inevitable that people will make assumptions and judgments about one another’s personal business. It’s petty, foolish — and utterly human. Trust yourself and your decisions and put no stock in others’ uninformed opinions of your life. You can’t manage everyone’s perception of you, and you’ll go crazy trying.

That said, you can and should tell a friend when she’s been hurtful. Share with Pam what you shared with me: You would never presume to tell her how she should manage her personal affairs, and you hope she will put herself in your shoes and see how her comments could come across as judgmental.

Dear Readers: Today’s column originally ran in 2019.

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“How Can I Forgive My Cheating Partner?” is out now! Annie Lane’s second anthology — featuring favorite columns on marriage, infidelity, communication and reconciliation — is available as a paperback and e-book. Visit Creators Publishing for more information. Send your questions for Annie Lane to [email protected].