Dear Annie: Advice for caregivers of dementia patients, from a nurse

Dear Annie: The letter from “Caregiver Not Good Enough,” who is the sole caretaker for her partner with dementia and other serious health problems, really resonated with me, not because I’m in that situation myself, but because I’m a nurse case manager who sees it all the time with my patients and their spouses.

I often make the same suggestions you did, but what I’m finding is that so many of these people don’t have friends or family to lean on. Dementia tends to isolate both the person who has it and the caregiver. It can occur slowly over the years as friends and family drift away, or sometimes they were never there to begin with. Online support groups can be beyond the capability of many seniors, especially when motivation is lacking or there’s no one to show them how to do it.

Unfortunately, in this country, we do not do a very good job of taking care of our elders. Government funding for respite care is hard to come by for anyone except extremely low-income folks, and there is a long wait even when you qualify. Paying for caregivers is costly and outside the realm of possibility for many.

This caregiver is clearly suffering from depression, which could be a long-standing problem or may just be situational. I’d highly recommend she start by talking to her primary care physician. An antidepressant could be life-changing, even for situational depression. Other suggestions would be to reach out to a local place of worship, which can be a great source of support. Most cities have a senior center, and I know mine has a support group that meets in person for spouses of people with Alzheimer’s and dementia. I wish her all the best. — Nursing Knowledge

Dear Nursing Knowledge: Thank you for your response and recommendations. Other readers agreed with you that “Caregiver” was clearly depressed herself and could benefit from medical care. Hopefully she will begin prioritizing her own health the same way she does her partner’s and realize what a difference it can make on her overall well-being.

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“How Can I Forgive My Cheating Partner?” is out now! Annie Lane’s second anthology — featuring favorite columns on marriage, infidelity, communication and reconciliation — is available as a paperback and e-book. Visit Creators Publishing for more information. Send your questions for Annie Lane to [email protected].