Dear Annie: A woman doesnât need a man to have value

Dear Annie: I think you might have missed a chance, recently, to help a woman who had no sense of her own value, in your letter to “Lost.” Instead of referring her to a dating app in which she would latch on to another man who ignores her, “Lost” might benefit from some therapy first. She was so desperate to continue contacting a man who so obviously didn’t care about her. Her level of desperation in continuing to pursue someone after being blocked is a sad example of a person with no sense of boundaries and no love of self.

I was in a similar headspace many years ago due to my own poor relationship choices. My life decisions were the product of my low self-esteem and an upbringing that taught me that I needed a man to feel like I have value. I have since received much-needed counseling in self-compassion, self-worth, and healthy boundaries, as the result of having an emotionally unavailable parent. These days, I know that I deserve a relationship in which I can express my needs to my partner. If they are not met, I can let go of that person, knowing that they are not for me. I trust myself and have erected boundaries that protect me, but also let the right person in. I wish her well. — No Longer Lost

Dear No Longer Lost: You’re right. I focused on the wrong aspect of “Lost’s” letter, her dating life, rather than on her inner emotional life and sense of self-worth. Thank you for bringing it back to the heart of the matter. I’m glad to hear you found yourself.

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“How Can I Forgive My Cheating Partner?” is out now! Annie Lane’s second anthology — featuring favorite columns on marriage, infidelity, communication and reconciliation — is available as a paperback and e-book. Visit Creators Publishing for more information. Send your questions for Annie Lane to [email protected].