DEAR ABBY: My mother is constantly berating my daughter, “Hillary,” about her looks, calling her a slob and telling her she needs to wear makeup and look “pretty” so she can feel good about herself. She is under the impression Hillary needs to look girly and get her hair done to please the eye. Hillary wants no part of girly things; she’s still a KID.

If I defend my child, Mom starts a fight by saying I’m raising a “sluggard” and that I’m a failure as a mother (which I am not). She asks why I’m OK with such a sloppy girl, and calls me a bad parent. I agree that sometimes Hillary is messy and her curly hair gets in the way, but isn’t that part of being a child? Hair gets tangled in the wind, but we can comb it out. The main thing is, at least my daughter is playing in the wind. Right? Please help. — SUNSHINE’S MOM IN TEXAS

DEAR MOM: It’s time to start memorizing the following speech: “Mom, you may mean well when you say those hurtful things, but it is harmful to my daughter. When you call her names and criticize her as you constantly do, it damages her self-esteem and, as a caring parent, I can no longer allow it. If you wish to see your granddaughter, you will stop denigrating her appearance immediately, or you won’t be seeing her … at all.” Then follow through.

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Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.