Dear Eric: I have a 30-year-old friendship from high school. I am a woman, and my friend is a man. He got married to a smart, driven, friendly partner. She meshes well with our core group. They have been married for 13 years and have a 5-year-old.

The wife recently called me to tell me she wants a divorce and has proof of him hanging out with single females.

She told me he’s abusive, which is concerning and shocking. In speaking with her and trying to be supportive I said I’d reach out to my contacts for divorce attorneys she could speak to. I used to work in the legal field.

I have not yet provided her a contact. I don’t know if I made the right decision by telling her I’d get her other contacts. I feel like I inadvertently put myself on her side (if he’s been unfaithful, I am on her side). I want to support her, and at the same time confront my friend. Do I support the wife and provide her a contact, confront my friend or butt out?

– In the Middle

Dear Middle: While giving her a contact isn’t totally neutral, it’s not the same as, say, volunteering to represent her yourself. So, I don’t see this as choosing sides so much as helping out a friend.

After providing the contact, however, you’ll want to draw a boundary around other issues relating to the divorce. Part of that also involves talking to your high school friend about what’s going on. While it won’t serve anyone for you to insert yourself into his marriage, you can talk with him about the ways you’re being drawn in, what you’ve done about it, and how you plan to move forward as this plays out.

You write that the allegations of abuse are concerning and shocking, as they should be. Try to speak more of the concern – for your friend’s wife and child – than the shock. There may come a time when you can hold your friend accountable for any division he inserted into your friend group through his actions. But right now, the priority is making sure his family is safe. If confronting him isn’t going to further that goal, it can wait.

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Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.