Dear Eric: My husband and I have been married for 21 years. When we met, we both had children from previous relationships. His son, Pete, was 12 at the time, and my daughter was 8. We did our best to blend our families, though it wasn’t always easy.

Pete had a difficult childhood. His mother struggled with alcoholism and often left him and his half-sister alone at a very young age. My husband stepped in and raised him on his own. We even put Pete in counseling to help him work through the trauma, though he told us later he never took it seriously and just laughed at the counselor.

My ex was never involved in my daughter’s life, and my husband raised her as his own. They have a close and loving relationship to this day.

Pete is now 35 and a father of two. However, even when we lived only 20 minutes away, we rarely saw him or the kids unless we made the effort to reach out. Now that we live in another state, we try to connect when we visit, but they often say they’re busy or have other plans. It’s hard not to feel like they’re making excuses.

I know this hurts my husband, though he rarely talks about it. He devoted himself to raising Pete and gave him everything he could. I wish I knew how to make this better, but I’m not sure what more we can do.

– Want a Healed Family

Dear Family: It is very likely Pete has unfinished work to do around healing from the trauma he experienced as a child. There may be part of him that, despite your husband’s efforts, blames your husband for this. While you and your husband can support Pete from afar, he has to be the one to do the work.

Relationships are ecosystems and one person’s actions impact every other part. This can have negative ramifications, but it can also have positive ones. To that end, encourage your husband to work with a trained family therapist to process his relationship with Pete. There are hurts in the present and the past through which he can work. Additionally, by tending to his emotional and mental well-being now, he sets himself up better to build a relationship with Pete in the future.

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Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.