Dear Eric: I’ve been with my husband for almost 20 years. After my last trip to see his family (where one of his siblings had a screaming/cursing meltdown in our hotel lobby), I said I was done spending thousands of dollars for travel to people who clearly didn’t appreciate it. He agreed. For the last five years he’s been flying to see his family solo. I’ve been staying home with the pup quite happily.

One of his half-siblings is getting married. Husband would like to renegotiate our prior agreement as he says he needs support to even be around his own family for this “can’t miss occasion.” Over the last two decades, these in-laws have been horrible toward me for simply being an outsider.

We both have complicated familial history and have individual therapists. I want to support my spouse, but not to the detriment of my own mental health. I quite literally had to ask if security would be present because of all the bad blood that will be in the same room (bad blood that was present before I came along). I loathe the thought of having to be around these people. I want to be a good partner, but I also realize this trip will be beyond miserable for me. How do I make myself and everyone else happy? Or do I have a husband problem?

– Should I Stay or Should I Go

Dear Go: Short answers: stay home; husband has a family problem, which is not yours to fix.

I’m curious what makes this trip so different that he feels he needs you there. That’s worth talking to him about, if for no other reason than context. Maybe he doesn’t really want/need to go, either. But that’s his decision to make, knowing that the fallout might be worse than the visit.

Talk to him about what he expects will happen and how he can get what he needs without your attendance. This may look like him staying someplace else, even if the family doesn’t want him to, or flying in only for the day of the event. Help him think through ways that he can feel empowered, despite the toxic dynamic.

Sometimes being a good partner means putting on formal attire and gritting one’s teeth through caustic toasts. But at other times, the most supportive thing to do is to help one’s spouse figure out ways to help themselves and return home as happy as possible.

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Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.