Dear Eric: The letter from “Burning Questions, Not Hillsides”, who was trying to keep a friend from smoking in their backyard, reminded me of a little decorative plaque I made and used to display in my home years ago. I was a young adult and mother in the 1970s and 1980s when smoking was still common. I do not recall if I created this little verse or if I read it somewhere. (My apologies to the author if I inadvertently plagiarized.) It read:

“Welcome to our non-smoking home. If you are seen smoking, we will assume that you are on fire and treat you accordingly.”

I probably still have it packed away somewhere but thankfully would not need to display it in 2025.

– Sign of the Times

Dear Sign: I love a cheeky sign that also helpfully lets friends know how to be good guests.

Dear Eric: In response to the husband, eight months sober and describing himself as a recovering alcoholic, who was asking about his wife’s continuing funk, (“Tired of Walking on Eggshells”) I offer my own personal experience.

My husband spent about 10 years in the throes of an addiction to street drugs, with periods of sobriety sometimes lasting more than eight months. He has been sober now for nearly 10 years and something that I have noticed, that may be true for the couple described in the column, is that I remember a lot more of his addiction than he does. I have a clearer and more accurate recall of the danger, the lying, the fear, the relapses, the stealing.

It was a LOT of work, so I’m also resentful.

If I’m being perfectly honest, sometimes I feel almost jealous that my husband could be so irresponsible for all those years, and have his redemption narrative, and come into his own full thriving and bright future. Me? There are just stories of keeping everyone alive and housed, thanklessly and often while getting yelled at, that would do more harm than good to share, no celebration, no self-actualization, just the end of a crisis that wasn’t my making. I was in a funk for a couple of years, probably. It takes personal therapy, and a lot of it, to find real joy in my own husband’s recovery. And to let go of the kind of vigilance I needed for so many years, simply to keep him alive.

– Been There

Dear Been There: This is a very helpful and insightful perspective. I’m glad that you’ve been able to navigate the complex emotions that arose for you after your husband got sober. This letter is a good reminder that when one person in a family changes, it changes the whole unit. But it doesn’t change the past. Each member of the unit is going to have a different relationship to that past. We have to be responsible for our own feelings, as you’ve been, but, as some recovery communities say, time takes time.

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Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.