Dear Eric: I am retired after 40 years of teaching at the same institution. Recently, a former colleague of mine died. I was never close to this woman, but we were in the same department and had to collaborate on many projects and initiatives. Dealing with her was a challenge, but I tried my best to be professional. She was often unpleasant to me, disparaged my ideas and tried to undermine me with our department chair.

In two months, there will be a memorial service for this woman. Her daughter has written to me, asking if I could be one of the eulogizers. To be honest, I truly had no intention of even attending the event.

Should I be honest with the daughter and tell her that her mother and I were not at all close, and that she should find someone else? Should I try to find something nice to say about this woman and just go? Should I make plans to be out of the country at the time of the service?

When asked to speak at a funeral or memorial service, is one obligated to do so?

– Unwilling Participant

Dear Participant: The saying goes that one shouldn’t speak ill of the dead, but, by the same token, one isn’t obligated to say anything at all. You don’t have to speak at the funeral, and you certainly don’t have to book an international flight. The daughter doesn’t need to know the nitty-gritty of your difficult working relationship with her mom, though. The kindest thing – for both of you – is to tell her that you’re grateful to be asked but you don’t feel comfortable eulogizing her mother. Then express your condolences and leave it at that. If you feel so inclined, you might ask her if she needs other suggestions for people from the department whom she can ask.

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Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.