Dear Eric: My wife and I are a white couple in our mid-70s. We have numerous Black friends and acquaintances we see frequently at our church and workplace. Everybody is very cordial, and our conversations share insights into each other’s goings-on (family, friends, et cetera).

What is discomforting to us is we are often addressed as “Miss Jane” and “Mr. John” rather than simply Jane and John. We’re sure all intentions are respectful. We hate to think there is a racial element involved and hope it is just a matter of cultural mannerisms. We don’t notice this “title” formality with one Black person to another, even among those in our age bracket. We don’t want to be rude if addressing this issue would be somehow offensive.

Any thoughts on this?

– Informal Request

Dear Request: Don’t be afraid to ask people to call you what you’re most comfortable being called. For instance, “It would mean so much if you’d just call me John; it’s how I know we’re friends.” Something short and sweet like that.

It’s unclear to me whether the formality is related to your particular region, a particular subculture or even your standing in your community. Or all of the above. But, if you’re noticing that these honorifics aren’t universally applied, it stands to reason you have the power to do away with them without being thought rude.

Now, if your friends and acquaintances protest, that’s an opportunity for you to dig a little deeper, with respect. “Would you mind telling me more about why you’d feel more comfortable with Mr. John rather than John?” And then listen to what they have to say. Even if you don’t agree with the reasoning, it might give you insight into how you’re seen and how you and your friends can better see each other.

Read more Asking Eric and other advice columns.

Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.