Dear Eric: I have been with my boyfriend for 14 years. We live about 15 minutes’ drive apart.

He is widowed and I’m divorced. We both have one adult son. Mine is 31 and his is 40.

I haven’t met his son or any friends/family members, though he knows mine.

My boyfriend says he had an abusive dad, and he doesn’t much like his two siblings or their families. He only has one real friend but won’t introduce us.

I asked him why once and he said he “likes his privacy.” I put it down to his idiosyncrasies but still find it odd.

We have always talked for hours on a nightly basis. Previously, he has gone quiet for a week or two at times. But now, although we haven’t had a falling out, I haven’t seen him in eight months.

I miss him and told him that, but nothing changed, we kept talking. Now I feel like I am wasting my time on someone I love, who clearly doesn’t feel the same way. I am not good at letting go, so please, what is your suggestion here? I don’t want a phone-only connection.

– Short-Distance Love

Dear Love: Something’s gotta give. If he’s happy to talk for hours every night, then he can and should spend 15 minutes of one of those hours, making the trek to your house for an in-person talk. Ask for that. If he can’t or won’t do it, it doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you, but it may mean that he’s not in a position to be who you need right now.

That said, multiple things can be true here. Your boyfriend has communicated – perhaps not entirely effectively – his boundaries and the traumas from which they stem. Sometimes when boundaries are communicated, they can sound like rejections even if they’re not.

It’s concerning that, after 14 years, you haven’t met his son or his sole friend. There are some indicators that he’s dealing with heavy stuff – the past abuse, going quiet for a time. He may be happiest letting the relationship he has with you flourish away from other, more complicated relationships. But he’s not doing a great job integrating his coping mechanisms into his love life. That can be hard, but it’s not insurmountable. A loving relationship needs care, empathy, compromise and understanding in order to survive. So, if you’re not getting that, or not getting it in the way you want, it may be healthiest for you to choose separation.

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Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.