Dear Eric: I have multiple friends dealing with truly tragic situations, like the premature death of a sibling and the very serious illness of a spouse. I know the very worst thing I could do would be to disappear, but I also live in fear of saying the wrong thing or putting them in the position of comforting me. What do you suggest for support of people who are in an awful situation without accidentally saying things that will make them feel worse? I’m grieving for them and not wanting to accidentally hurt them.

– Walking on Eggshells

Dear Eggshells: Often, when talking to people going through hard times, we’re tripped up by trying to find the perfect thing to make it all better, as if we were greeting cards or magic spells. We forget our true powers: empathy, a listening ear, and sometimes a helping hand.

So, ask, “Is there something that you need right now?” Or say, “I’m sorry you’re going through this; do you want to talk about it?” And then listen to the answer.

If you’re actively listening, your brain won’t get mired in trying to find the words to make it all better. There are no words that will make it all better. Accept that, release yourself from that responsibility and remember that you may say something that doesn’t come out right. That’s OK, too. Sometimes the only words you need are “I love you. I’m sorry. I’m here.”

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Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.