Dear Eric: Our daughter is 46 years old. She has been an addict most of her life, with short periods of sobriety. She is sadly now in a position of no place to live, no job; her children have completely cut her out of their lives. We bought her a car with the promise she would get a job – it hasn’t happened. My heart is broken, but I’m at my wits’ end. Sadly, she has an identical twin sister (who is a successful professional) who is deeply affected by this. Our other children are all successful with jobs and families. What can/should we do – my husband and I are in our 70s and on a fixed income.

– Heartbroken Mom

Dear Mom: This is hard for your daughter, for you, and for your entire family; I’m sorry. A core component of many recovery programs is an admission of powerlessness over addiction. Though painful, it will be helpful for you to admit powerlessness over your daughter’s addiction, as well. This doesn’t mean you love her any less nor does it mean you won’t do whatever you can to help. But it means you can’t take the steps she needs to take to recover. Only she can do that.

Be clear with your daughter that you want to help her, you love her, and you see the struggle she’s had most of her life. Guilt and shame are not going to motivate her – not that I think that’s a tactic you’re employing.

At this point, financial support is not going to help, and it has the potential to put you in dire straits. You may feel fear when setting this boundary for yourself. Talk about the feelings that come up with your loved ones, including your children, and in a group like SMART Recovery Family or Al-Anon. Having a robust support system will remind you that you’re not alone, your daughter is also not alone and there are options available to all of you.

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Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.