Dear Eric: My son is divorced and has a contentious relationship with his ex-wife. They have three children together. I have left occasional communication open with his ex regarding my grandchildren due to my son’s lack of communication. If it weren’t for her, I would have missed important events in my grandchildren’s lives.

My son has a significant other living with him, and they feel it is disrespectful and hurtful, to both of them, to speak with his ex. I was told that I cannot have a relationship with them if I speak her name (the ex) in their presence even when speaking to the children.

My son insists that “everyone” agrees that I should never speak to my ex-daughter-in-law in any circumstance as it is not appropriate. What is your take on this situation?

– Tired of it All

Dear Tired: Your son’s edict about his ex’s name is too extreme. She’s the mother of his children; she’s not going to stop existing. I worry about the negative atmosphere this creates for their children. Not to mention the way it’s impacting you. This kind of behavior suggests that he’s not navigating his divorce in a healthy way.

But unfortunately, that’s a problem he needs to solve on his own.

By continuing to communicate with his ex, you risk creating a whole separate problem in your own relationship with him. Focus instead on the immediate need: you want to be a part of your grandchildren’s lives, and you need him to communicate with you better so that you can do it.

Don’t make this a quid pro quo situation, i.e., you’ll stop talking to the ex if he tells you more things. Respect the (admittedly toxic) boundary he’s set, and work on finding ways that you and he can work together to bolster your relationship with your grandkids. Think specifically about what you’re asking for – is it about making sure you’re aware of important dates? Is it about getting updates on their progress? Is it about making sure you have specific time with them? Knowing what you want will help guide the conversation to a productive space.

Read more Asking Eric and other advice columns.

Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.