Dear Eric: I was raised that, when a friend suffered a loss, we would go to the house with food, flowers or just to offer our support. If the person was too far away, we’d call and send a card or flowers. Six months ago, my son died unexpectedly of a heart attack, and I’ve been dealing with unbearable grief while at the same time having to deal with his affairs mostly alone.

My two oldest friends of 25 years and one of 19 years are in the immediate area but didn’t call, visit or even send a card. I feel like maybe I never even mattered. It’s been six months, and they have avoided me this whole time.

My husband said maybe people aren’t like that anymore. You can imagine I don’t want anything to do with them ever again. But my question is why?

– Avoided Grief

Dear Avoided Grief: I’m so sorry. What your friends have done is heartbreaking. I’ve found that people sometimes – too often – get stuck not knowing what to say or do to help someone experiencing grief, and so they say nothing. We think that if we had the right words, we could make some of it better but if we say the wrong thing we risk making the unimaginable even worse. Neither is true. A wise reader recently shared a reflection on their grief experience and noted that they didn’t remember any of the awkward things people said or did. The reader only remembered that people reached out.

Separating from these friendships is the right thing to do. But to get an answer to your question of why, you may want to tell them how their behavior affected you at some point. I don’t think doing it now is going to help. It’s more important that you continue to process what you’re feeling with your husband and with others who can support you. But there may come a day where you want to get some closure. A letter or a phone call can serve as a way for you to say your piece and, if you want, hear what they have to say.

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Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.