Dear Eric: Kate and I have been friends for more than 20 years. Over 10 years ago, I would’ve almost considered us best friends. My husband considered her husband his best friend. As years went by, Kate treated her husband so disrespectfully. Time went by and their children spoke to him terribly, too.

Unfortunately, he passed away unexpectedly 10 years ago. I talked to his coworkers, and he talked about how sad he was regarding his family life. I started slowly pulling away from Kate right before his death.

Soon after he died Kate used social media to ask for prayers as she tries to go through life without her best friend. She would post (and still does) memes about how she loves and misses him. I’ve stopped communicating with her because I know the truth. I’ll get texts (after I ignore her calls) about getting together and have dinner or a girl’s night out.

I have no interest in seeing her. She’ll call or text my husband asking if anything is wrong and he responds that I’m busy or I’ll call her back. The texts are becoming more frequent. How do I explain that I no longer want to be friends?

– Former Friend

Dear Friend: Your friend was grieving, and you ghosted her. This isn’t to say Kate’s disrespect to her husband was appropriate. But it’s possible that she did truly love him and is grieving his loss. Indeed, if she felt she treated him poorly in life, the grief may be coupled with guilt. It’s also possible that her husband was sad about the state of his home life and also loved Kate.

You know a truth, but there are many truths that are possible here. You don’t have to change your mind about her, but after being friends with her for so long, you should grant her the courtesy of a direct conversation.

Talk with her about what changed for you. Try to use “I” statements as much as possible, as in “I felt disappointed when I heard…” Try not to slip into accusations – “You were disrespectful, and I don’t want to be your friend.” You can’t solve the problem in her marriage, but you can illuminate what went wrong in your friendship. It may not lead to reconciliation, but it will grant you both closure.

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Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.