Dear Eric: I am a college student in my mid-20s, and I keep losing friends. Some friends have ghosted me, some got frustrated with me when I tried to figure out why they ended a friendship with me, and some have said that I talk about my problems too much, but they still want to be friends. One friend just lost their mom and told me what happened but before that, they had not been responding. I feel some friends are genuinely setting boundaries, but I feel some are using that as an excuse to not speak to me or be around me as much. I am going to counseling regularly and I am trying to practice self-compassion. What should I do?

– Fractured Friendships

Dear Friendships: Practicing self-compassion is absolutely the first and best thing to do here. Friendship can be tricky for reasons that are often beyond our control. And college is a busy, complicated time during which people are going through a lot of life transitions. So, grant yourself some grace. Not everyone you meet in college is going to be a great friendship fit. And no one deserves to be ghosted. While there may be some things you can change, this isn’t something that’s all your fault; you should be treated better.

Try to take some lessons from these friendships – the good and the bad parts. Think about what you value in friendships and what you bring to a relationship; use those as goals for future connections. Maybe the friends you have now aren’t in the right space to be supportive in the way that you need; maybe you’re someone who wants to talk more openly about boundaries and expectations. You’re allowed to ask for what you need. As you make new friends, be on the lookout for the qualities that you want and the people who bring out the best in you. You might even roleplay some conversations with your counselor to test out your communication and to make sure that what you’re asking for is really what you want.

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Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.