Dear Eric: I have a very good friend who has been diagnosed with pancreatic cancer that has metastasized to her kidneys. She informed me of this in a brief text also saying that she just couldn’t talk to me yet. I’ve sent her comforting gifts and cards as well as texted her a few times with no response.

We taught together on the same middle school team for years. We retired the same day. We met for lunch once a month for the last 10 years. I have only learned from a group email sent by our former principal that she is refusing chemo and any other treatment. She is also not accepting any calls or visitors. Her daughter is staying with her at the moment and her husband is taking care of said daughter’s children in another state.

She and I are from Pennsylvania. I am in Texas for the months of January and February. I left for Texas a few days after receiving this sad news. I continue to send cards with brief notes, which are hard to compose. What should I do? What can I do?

– Friend in Pain

Dear Friend: I’m so sorry for what your friend is going through and I’m so sorry for the pain you’re experiencing, too. This is an impossible situation. But one of the kindest things you can do for your friend may also be the hardest: accept that this is how she’s navigating this period in her life and love her through it from afar.

Some of the ways she chose to communicate – the text to you, the letter to the principal – suggest that the task of updating and engaging with her friends and loved ones about her health is overwhelming. That’s completely understandable. Even though her friends’ intentions are good, she may not be in a place to hold them or respond to them. She may only have the capacity to be with her family right now.

You did the right thing by sending the cards and texts. She may have the emotional fortitude to read them but not the capacity to respond. You may want to write her a letter expressing what she’s meant to you, knowing that even if she is not able to respond, it may help her or her family, and it may help you to process what you’re feeling, too.

Read more Asking Eric and other advice columns.

Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.