Dear Eric: I took a DNA test with an ex. The child is five. My ex gave me issues about it for years but finally caved in. We remained friends. Now that it’s verified that I’m not the child’s father, what do I do?

The mother didn’t even show up in court for the results. Do I reach out?

She has four other kids I’ve built a great bond with over the past six years. Even though we’re no longer intimate, I offer my assistance, visit, call, etc. Do I disappear?

When I meet my next person, how do I explain this? My ex didn’t want a relationship, and I love her and the kids. I want a family. They want to forget about me. I just want to do the right thing.

– Confused Paternity

Dear Paternity: It sounds like your ex is communicating the boundary that’s most healthy for her right now and you should respect it. That doesn’t mean disappearing but rather acknowledging to her that you see the distance and asking what, if any, contact she wants for you and her kids. Then follow that.

I’m sure this is painful and I’m really sorry. You’ve built relationships with these kids. It will be hard to grieve that, and I’d encourage you to talk about the feelings of loss with friends or loved ones you trust. Even though the child was not yours, there was likely a big part of you that felt connected as a father would be.

However, something has happened between you and your ex that indicates a lot of mixed messages, at the very least. She gave you “issues” about the test and didn’t come to the results hearing; is it possible she knew you weren’t the father, and you weren’t ready to accept that?

People are sometimes only in our lives for a season. It will help you, your ex, and her kids for you to process the feelings you have about the dissolution of this relationship before attempting to reconnect.

Read more Asking Eric and other advice columns.

Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.