Dear Amy: My youngest son “Thomas” dated “Allyssa” sporadically during high school.

It was a volatile relationship (he’s non-confrontational, she loves drama).

Allyssa became pregnant at the end of his senior year (her junior year).

He took a paternity test to confirm that he was the father. They managed to work out visitation (nothing legal).

Thomas has “Trent” three days a week (overnight). Trent is now 10 months old. Thomas loves him so much.

The problem is that every time Thomas starts dating someone, Allyssa starts using the baby as a pawn.

She doesn’t want her son to be around another girl, and makes up terrible lies about the girl as reasons to keep the baby away.

When Thomas tries to keep a good friendship between him and Allyssa for the baby’s sake, Allyssa thinks he wants to resume their romance.

When she doesn’t get what she wants, it’s total drama. I know a lot of this is immaturity, but she also has an unhealthy obsession with my son.

She has been in therapy, but says it is only to please her mother.

Thomas has also seen a therapist (because of her).

I try to stay out of their relationship, but our son lives with us, so it’s hard.

I’ve advised him to either continue on this course, knowing the pitfalls, or go through the courts for joint custody.

He’s afraid of how Allyssa will react. He’s afraid she won’t let him see Trent for months, during the time it would take to go before a judge.

What do you think?

– Concerned Grandmother

Dear Concerned: Your son should see a lawyer immediately in order to establish parental rights and responsibilities. Otherwise, “Allyssa” will continue to manipulate him, threatening access to their child. She could also choose to move, taking their son with her, and “Thomas” would then have to scramble to try to assert his legal rights.

If Thomas wants to date, he has four nights of privacy when he does not have his son with him. Until he is in a serious long-term relationship, it would be wisest for him to minimize his dates’ contact with his son.

He should lock down his social media and ask anyone he is dating not to post about their relationship on social media.

He should always use birth control, and he should verify that anyone he has sex with is also using birth control.

His lawyer will advise him about maintaining his current custody arrangement until the matter goes through the courts. My instinct is that he should avoid discussing this with Allyssa until he has a court date.

You can email Amy Dickinson at [email protected] or send a letter to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068.