Dear Amy: I love your column and how you relate your own experience in your answers.

My question is one I have not seen particularly addressed.

I am a 58-year-old gay man and have identified as bi for most of my adulthood.

I have had significant relationships with both women and men.

After my last relationship, more than 15 years ago, I became unavailable and essentially asexual, barring a few random hook-ups with men.

I’m now feeling like I would like another significant relationship, but I feel like it needs to be with a man.

The “problem” is that I do not come across as gay to the general public.

Women hit on me all the time, but men seem to not realize I’m available or possibly interested.

As a contributing handicap, I am not attracted to most gay men.

How do I go about meeting potential mates without surprising, angering or terrifying the guys I’m attracted to?

– Bi Curious

Dear Bi Curious: You have graciously invited me to relate to you through my own experience and so I will offer this: Like you, in middle age I was single for more than 15 years, “barring a few random hookups with men.”

(And like you, I might have terrified a few men along the way.)

However, you are not responsible for another person’s “terror” at your interest or availability.

Because you are interested in pursuing a serious relationship with a man, you should do your best to get involved with any local organizations where you are likely to meet other gay men. Also, ask the next woman who hits on you if she knows any great guys who might be interested.

Online apps and “matching” websites are plentiful, and some have a reputation for matching people who want to hook up, while others are geared more toward people who are looking for a relationship. Established “dating” sites like OkCupid, EHarmony, Silversingles and Match.com all offer LGBTQ matching opportunities.

According to a 2023 study published by the Pew Research Center,

” When looking at sexual orientation, lesbian, gay or bisexual (LGB) adults are more likely than their straight counterparts to say they have ever used a dating site or app (51 percent vs. 28 percent).”

The online matching experience can be a mixed bag, but this is an efficient learning experience for anyone looking to meet new people. You should do some online and in-person research to see if this appeals to you.

You can email Amy Dickinson at [email protected] or send a letter to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068.