Dear Amy: My son, “Daniel,” who was in a long-term relationship with a woman and has always dated women, has now declared that he is bisexual, and is dating “Timothy.”

This is a first in our family, and I am not sure how or if I should let the rest of the family know about it.

We will be getting together for the holidays pretty soon. Should I tell the family ahead of time or just let it be a surprise to everyone when he shows up with his new boyfriend?

My son and I live in the same city, but the rest of the family live out of our area, so they probably won’t find out about this until we get together. They are also very conservative and I’m not sure how they will react. Your thoughts?

– Daniel’s Mom

Dear Mom: You should start by asking “Daniel” what approach he would prefer.

Would he like for you to give family members a heads up regarding “Timothy”? Would he like to give family members advance notice of this relationship, himself? Would he like to arrive at a holiday gathering with Timothy and simply let other family members cope with their speculation or dawning awareness of the relationship, and let the chips fall where they may?

I tend to favor letting these two adults (Daniel and Timothy) handle this in any way they choose – subtle or not. It is not polite to blindside relatives with revelations at the holiday table (even though many families seem to have a tradition of doing this), but your son’s sexuality is really not anyone’s business, and his relationships are his own to conduct, as long as he does so with honesty and integrity.

If family members don’t like or approve of his choices, then that is very much their problem. You should approach this with a lack of embarrassment or judgment, offering your son your motherly support.

You can email Amy Dickinson at [email protected] or send a letter to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068.