Ask Amy: Our childâs spouse is driving a wedge
Dear Amy: In recent years we’ve had a falling out with our child’s spouse, and it’s come down to the in-law’s way or no way.
As a result, the relationships with our child and grandchildren have also been impacted. Although I love them all dearly, I won’t let the in-law dictate how I live my life.
I’ve continued to send birthday and Christmas money, but there is no acknowledgment of these gifts and, as of late, VERY little contact from our child.
It breaks my heart, but I’m trying to let go and let our child decide to initiate further contact because it seems like a one-way effort.
While I want them to know they are loved, does it make sense to continue gifting?
– To Gift or Not
Dear Gift: If you want these relatives to know that they are loved, then show – and tell – them.
It is easy for you to send (or decline to send) money, but giving money doesn’t demonstrate that you love them. Receiving money but not thanking you for it doesn’t mean that they don’t love you; it does mean that they don’t care enough about this transaction to encourage you to continue.
If your grandchildren are under 18, you should send gifts to them for their special occasion days, along with expressions of your love for them.
Otherwise, you should contact your adult child whenever you feel the desire to do so, understanding – or anticipating – that your contact might not be reciprocated.
If you let this relationship with your own child completely die, then this might be one more way that the in-law is controlling you.
You can email Amy Dickinson at [email protected] or send a letter to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068.