Dear Amy: My son revealed to me that years ago, an older male family member propositioned him to have sex.

This apparently took place at a holiday dinner where some heavy drinking had occurred (which was not unusual), and after his father and I had left.

My son confronted this person two years ago, and it didn’t go well.

The family member appeared truly shocked and denied all involvement.

At first, he was open to discussion, but then became very angry and lashed out.

My son has cut off all contact with him.

This has caused me a lot of pain and confusion.

I find it very hard to reconcile this person’s behavior with the person I know, but I can clearly see that my son has been traumatized.

We have a small extended family and he’s an only child, so I truly wish there could be reconciliation.

Is it wrong of me to want him to forgive this family member and have some semblance of a relationship going forward?

How should my son go about it?

– Mother in the Middle

Dear Mother: You should not ask me how your son should forgive this family member who propositioned him. Forgiveness cannot be forced through the pressure of a third party.

Furthermore, this family member has not explained, acknowledged or apologized for this incident; in fact, he is aggressively denying it.

Sexual aggressors rarely own up to their behavior or acknowledge the devastating impact on others. This defiance and denial does not lay the groundwork toward forgiveness and reconciliation.

I think you should examine your own motives for basically wanting this to go away. You say your son is clearly traumatized. You seem to believe his account of what happened. And yet you also seem eager to use the concept of forgiveness in order to sweep this episode under the rug, mainly to ease your own discomfort.

Your son doesn’t seem to be asking you to cut all ties with this family member, but his trauma might be more manageable if he knows that his mother is in his corner, and not expecting him to do something that right now might seem impossible.

Take your son’s anguish seriously, and urge him to seek professional therapeutic help in order to process this disturbing episode.

You can email Amy Dickinson at [email protected] or send a letter to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068.