This is an opinion column.

Tired of New Year’s resolutions that fail by Groundhog’s Day? It’s because you’re doing it wrong.

A lot of people make the mistake, year after year, of resolving to improve themselves – to lose weight, find a better job or a better outlook on life – but wind up bigger, broker and more bitter.

It’s because they’re making it all about themselves, a classic rookie mistake. It’s much easier to simply impose New Year’s resolutions on others. No fuss, no muss. No responsibility.

Or better yet, just make predictions. We’ll do both.

Medical marijuana

The Alabama Medical Cannabis Commission, after embarrassing flubs and pesky restraining orders, resolves to finally award licenses to dispensaries, but fails again and again. A Montgomery County judge will demand the board clean up its act, saying “pleadings with traces of nacho cheese Doritos will no longer be considered.” The judge rules the board’s rating system – voting on whether they are “funky, groovy, gnarly, meh, or bummer,” – is unclear. The Commission responds with a declaration that “We should write this down!”

The Alabama Legislature:

Lawmakers will resolve to further remove controversial text, or what scholars call “actual history” from all Alabama textbooks. They will aspire to replace objectionable language with the words “YADA YADA.”

As such, students will study this version of Rev. Martin Luther King Jr.’s seminal civil rights work, “Letter from a Birmingham Jail.”

“I am in Birmingham because YADA YADA is here…I am cognizant of the YADA YADA. I cannot sit idly by in Atlanta and not be YADA YADA in Birmingham. YADA YADA anywhere is YADA YADA everywhere. We are caught in an inescapable network of YADA YADA, tied in a single garment of YADA YADA. Never again can we afford to YADA YADA.”

Alabama Attorney General Steve Marshall

Marshall resolves to begin every sentence with the words “AG Steve Marshall opposes Biden Administration overreach.” The phrase has worked well for him in press releases, political polling and focus groups in the Walmart parking lot. Unfortunately, as he learns in the drive-thru at a Montgomery Jacks, it is woefully inadequate for conveying his view that, yes, he does in fact want fries with that.

The Birmingham Triangle

A 60-year-old Birmingham man, missing since Christmas, will be found unharmed – at least physically – near UAB. It is determined that he set out to drive from Avondale to Smithfield on Fifth Avenue South, but became lost in a disorienting electronic fog that caused compasses to spin, GPS to curse loudly and drivers in other cars to vanish. Investigators rule out paranormal activity, however, and determine his reaction “was to be expected in drivers stopped by 14 red lights in a span of 15 blocks.” Scientists say: “Dang, we can’t believe he didn’t didn’t kill somebody.”

Medical marijuana

The Alabama Medical Cannabis Commission, after embarrassing flubs and pesky restraining orders, resolves to finally award licenses to dispensaries, but fails again and again. A Montgomery County judge will demand the board clean up its act, saying “pleadings with traces of nacho cheese Doritos will no longer be considered.” The judge rules the board’s rating system – voting on whether they are “funky, groovy, gnarly, meh, or bummer,” – is unclear. The Commission responds with a declaration that “We should write this down!”

Lt. Gov. Will Ainsworth

Ainsworth resolved to stop making voodoo dolls in the image of Steve Marshall, a possible political hurdle in his expected scramble to the top. Not because Ainsworth didn’t enjoy sticking pins into Marshall, I mean who wouldn’t. But every time Ainsworth stuck the voodoo doll, Marshall responded by jumping as if goosed, saying “Yeow! AG Steve Marshall opposes Biden Administration overreach.” As a result Marshall rose in the polls, as well as off his seat.

Some guy in Shelby County:

A 78-year-old man, known at home as the get-out-of-my-yard guy, made his first trip to the library this year as part of a Moms For Liberty protest, and now resolves to “fight the spread of this rainbow hooey.” He was last seen standing outside after a rainstorm, shaking his fist at the sky.

The Alabama Public Service Commission:

PSC President Twinkle Cavanaugh resolves to have the phrase “When in Doubt Burn Coal” tattooed on her body. But where? The solar plexus? The small of her back? She decides to put it close to her heart, right above her existing tattoo of Reddy Kilowatt.

Gov. Kay Ivey

Two weeks after Ivey’s most important work to date – delivering the oath of office to a “work zone safety dog” named Millie and naming the pup an honorary Alabama State Trooper, the governor resolves to replace other state officials with animals.They tend to fetch more, beg less, and roll over just as readily.

Ivey’s plan goes awry when she swaps the entire supreme court for a mob of meerkats (no, she can’t do this, and a group of meerkats really is called a “mob.” “gang,” or “clan,” by the way). It starts well, as meerkats are better versed on the Constitution than most Alabama courts have been. They do, however, lack a strong commitment to the Second Amendment, for reasons Ivey should have foreseen.

They are last seen peering over Goat Hill with frightened looks on their faces.