Archibald: ‘Back to the Future’ meets ‘Beauty and the Beast’ Tuesday
This is an opinion column.
I don’t know what else to say about this election.
That hasn’t already been said, that is. In 1980s movies.
Biff Tannen was the big dumb bully in “Back to the Future.” He made himself feel important by calling other people names, like “Butthead.” And bullying them for pleasure and personal gain.
Biff: “I can’t believe you’d loan me your car without telling me it had a blind spot. I could’ve been killed!”
George McFly: “Blind spot? Now, now, Biff, now I never noticed that the car had any blind spot before when I would drive it.”.
Biff: “What, are you blind, McFly? It’s there. How else do you explain that wreck out there?”
Biff was awful. His greed sank Hill Valley into a hellhole. He turned the old courthouse into a casino, and let the public schools burn. Shoot, his ancestors tortured generations of McFlys after that family immigrated from Ireland. Biff even tried to rape the woman who would become George’s wife in the high school parking lot during the Enchantment Under the Sea Dance.
Boy, did Americans cheer when Biff got what was coming to him. Back when America was great, I guess.
Maybe America was naive back in that day, but people – the zeitgeist anyway – hated bullies and blowhards, particularly rich blonde ones who hurt others to pump themselves up.
Like that guy Johnny Lawrence in the original “Karate Kid” movies. He was rich and Aryan and brutal. He bullied his friends and tormented his foes, to make up for his own insecurities. He treated his girlfriend Ali Mills – played by a 20-year-old Elisabeth Shue – like a pair of loafers. Lawrence punched and kicked everyone who didn’t kowtow. Especially the Karate Kid, who waxed cars until it taught him kung fu. America loved it when The Kid caught Lawrence with that wicked crane kick.
Man, that era was full of bullies.
There was Dick Vernon, the vice principal at Shermer High School who kept “The Breakfast Club” in detention. (“I got you for the rest of your natural-born life if you don’t watch your step.”)
There was Stan Gable in “Revenge of the Nerds.” He was a star quarterback at Adams College who, along with his pack of bros (and some of their girlfriends) tormented students who were different. (“Times are changing, Betty. These nerds are a threat to our way of life.”)
I’d like to think that even in the ‘80s, before nerds became so cool and rich they turned into Stan Gables, America believed pompous, unscrupulous, silver-spooned bullies eventually should get a comeuppance. Despite Gordon Gekko and the glow up of greed.
What has happened to us?
Even into the next decade, when Disney’s “Beauty and the Beast” foreshadowed this election as well as anything.
Gaston, from that 1991 classic, was a rich, handsome, beefy, preening guy, seen by a lot of townspeople as a strong man and a hero. He was hardly a villain to be feared at first. Just a clownish conceited brute with an unhealthy infatuation with himself. And with the beautiful Belle.
But infatuation turned to obsession, and before long it was clear Gaston saw Belle only as a prize to take. He tossed her dad into an asylum, and continued his conquest. Hey, he was famous in that town, after all, and figured he could just grab her by the celluloid.
Or maybe he just wanted to protect her. Whether she liked it or not.
We used to hate guys like that. America could agree. Those who use power and intimidation and force to get their way. Those who belittle and call names and treat people as stuff to be collected. One thing America could count on was that the Gastons of the world get what’s coming to them in the end.
Nobody proved it more than George McFly, as he opened the car door outside that high school dance, inadvertently stopping Biff’s assault on his future wife, Lorraine
George: “Hey you! Get your damn hands off of…”
Biff: “Why don’t you walk away, McFly and leave the two of us alone.”
Lorraine: “George! George, help me! Please!”
Biff: “Are you dumb, McFly? I said close the door and walk away!”
George: “No, Biff. YOU leave her alone.”
Biff: “Alright, McFly. Now, you’re gonna get it.
Biff gets out of the car and twists George’s arm until he starts to moan. Lorraine screams for Biff to let George go. Biff grabs her, shoves her to the ground and laughs, as is his way.
He is unaware that George has begun to shake with rage. His fist shakes, and somehow, some way this timid fellow finds the strength to throw one punch at his bully. He connects, and knocks Biff out. He turns to Lorraine, the love of his life.
George: “Are you okay?”
Lorraine nods. And the future is saved.
I don’t know what else to say about this election.
John Archibald is a two-time Pulitzer Prize winner.