With another SEC Media Days in the books and the release of the highly anticipated “Barbie” movie, we put on our J. Robert Oppenheimer hat to create the fusion the world wants to see: SEC head coaches as Ken dolls.

As Ryan Gosling’s Ken says to Margot Robbie’s Barbie in Greta Gerwig’s new blockbuster, “My job…it’s just beach.”

The same is very true for the leaders of the best college football conference’s 14 teams. Your job: It’s just coach. And what a good job you do with coach. Check out the Kens below…

READ: Which SEC coach had longest opening statement at media days? Here’s where all 14 rank

Nick Saban is ‘Makeover Ken’

The legendary Alabama head coach has repeated a mantra about restoring the “Alabama factor” after would-be down years when the Crimson Tide either finish as College Football Playoff runners-up or Sugar Bowl champs. Eleven-win seasons are complete and utter failures in Tuscaloosa, and even one of Saban’s biggest fans and ESPN Radio host Paul Finebaum says his legacy could be perceived differently if Bama doesn’t make the College Football Playoff this season. After all, it’s been a whole two seasons since Saban has won it all, so consider this DEFCON 1 in T-town until the coach gets a much-needed makeover (like, I don’t know, the top-ranked recruiting class of 2023?).

Kirby Smart is ‘Copycat Ken’

Alabama fans’ go-to knock against Georgia is that they “want to be Bama.” Well…yeah? Doesn’t everyone want the best coach, the best players, multiple national championships and a seat at the table among the college football elite for the foreseeable future? Back-to-back College Football Playoff championships is no fluke, especially as master recruiter Kirby Smart reloads the roster, even with quarterback Stetson Bennet IV off to the NFL. If they pull off the three-peat, can’t call Kirby a copycat anymore.

Jimbo Fisher is ‘Buyout Ken’

Barbie dolls don’t talk, otherwise we’d give Jimbo “Motormouth Ken” in honor of his mile-a-minute rant against Nick Saban last offseason. While his tenure at Texas A&M has had its bright spots, including finishing the 2020 season ranked fourth, the Aggies are in need of a rebound, or soon they’ll be in need of a new head coach. Following a disappointing 5-7 season, his enormous contract buyout suddenly didn’t seem so insurmountable for those wanting to move on from the national title-winning coach. If we see a similar result this year, the buyout would cost A&M $76.8 million. Plenty of time to beach, Ken!

Brian Kelly is ‘Fake Accent Ken’ aka ‘Dance Party Ken’ aka ‘Overachieving Ken’

The former Notre Dame coach made a splash as soon as he landed in Baton Rouge, treating a basketball arena full of Tiger fans to a newfound Southern accent that mysteriously appeared and disappeared at an instant. Then he showed off his dance moves during a recruiting visit with tight end prospect Danny Lewis, who ultimately signed with Alabama. But then…LSU won the SEC West, defeating Alabama with a gutsy 2-point conversion. So while Kelly may have overachieved in his debut season, he could upgrade to “Here to Stay Ken” in no time.

Hugh Freeze is ‘Second Chance Ken’

After resigning from Ole Miss in 2017 amid scandal, Freeze has grinded his way back to the SEC six years later, with a stop at Liberty in between. Reflecting on his path back to this level of coaching, Freeze said, “Those are tough circumstances, but how a person responds to those and reacts to those probably tells you more about them than the successes do.” Auburn has given Freeze a second chance, and he has his work cut out for him, following a tumultuous tenure under short-lived Tigers coach Bryan Harsin who left Freeze with an uphill battle especially on the recruiting trail.

READ: Alabama football ‘villains’? 10 people, players and things Tide fans love to root against

Lane Kiffin is ‘Not a Troll Doll, But Ken’

Lane Kiffin never disappoints. Whether he’s calling touchdown bombs that cripple defenses or trolling opposing head coaches on Twitter, he gives the college football world so much while we give so little in return — and boy, did he deliver at SEC Media Days. He traded barbs with Paul Finebaum, nearly asked a reporter for a DNA test and bemoaned NIL and the transfer portal. The guy is never not entertaining, and don’t think his comical comments aren’t calculated. And while Kiffin may be college football’s greatest troll, he’s building a contender in Oxford hoping to soon level up among the top dogs in the SEC.

READ: Lane Kiffin’s 12 finest (and funniest) Alabama football moments

Josh Heupel is ‘Cigar Puffing Ken’

Likely discontinued for obvious reasons, first because Tennessee likely doesn’t repeat their success in upsetting Alabama and lighting up victory cigars in a cloud of smoke you can see from outer space. But also because smoking dolls just won’t cut the mustard in 2023. Alabama put up 569 yards in total offense but committed 17 back-breaking penalties (while giving up 567 yards on defense), allowing the Vols to kick a game-winning field goal as time expired, ending nearly two decades of misery in Knoxville. You could smell the smoke in Tuscaloosa, and it appeared Tennessee was back. But losing quarterback Hendon Hooker will put Heupel’s offensive acumen to the test. Not so fast with this year’s cigar, coach.

Shane Beamer is ‘Real Fun Guy Ken’

South Carolina beat top 10 teams back-to-back in 2022, shocking Clemson and Tennessee down the stretch of the 2022 season before losing a shootout to Notre Dame in the Gator Bowl. Beamer also doesn’t take himself too seriously, spoofing “Full House” and lip-syncing Soulja Boy. These antics might make other fan bases roll their eyes, but he’s energized his team and Columbia, and the Gamecocks look competitive under his watch.

Sam Pittman is ‘Old Cold Beer Ken’

The epitome of a coach fans would want to have a beer with, Pittman made that clear after his Hogs beat Cincinnati to open the 2022 season and he told a reporter who asked him for his drink of choice that night, “I’m not promoting it, but I like some old cold beer. I think I’m going to have one.” The good time analogies don’t stop there either. Previewing the same game and noting it would be important to figure out what the Bearcats might do in the first couple of series, Pittman said, “Some guys bring iced tea, and some guys bring liquor.” We know what Pittman brings to the SEC, other than a feisty Arkansas team each season: Much-needed levity.

Mark Stoops is ‘Football School Ken’

Ken-tucky shot up to seventh overall in the college football rankings. Yes, Ken-tucky had a top 10 team, at least after four games, then things went South as they finished the season 3-6. This followed Wildcats basketball head coach John Calipari’s preseason comments that ruffled Stoops’ feathers. “No disrespect to our football team,” Calipari said. “I hope they win 10 games and go to bowls. At the end of the day, that makes my job easier and it makes the job of all of us easier. But this is a basketball school.” Stoops would respond by saying Ken-tucky football “wasn’t born on third base,” then helped his team crack the top 10. He has two 10-win seasons in Lexington, and many consider him one of the best coaches in the conference.

Billy Napier is ‘Needs a Statement Win Ken’

Listen, Napier got a signature win in his debut as Gator head coach in a thriller against Utah, but his team finished the season with a typical first-year 6-7 record, and star quarterback Anthony Richardson left for the NFL where he was drafted in the first round to the Indianapolis Colts. Florida finished with a solid recruiting class in 2023, ranked 13th overall by 247 Sports, so the spotlight will shine even brighter on Napier in his sophomore effort. In college football, head coaches have delivered on the biggest stage in less time.

Clark Lea is ‘Just Glad to Be Here Ken’

That’s not fair. In Lea’s second season as Vandy’s head coach, his Commodores beat Kentucky and Florida in back-to-back games, their first SEC win streak since in four years. Yes, it’s Vandy, and that’s not nothing! It doesn’t get any easier in 2024 when Oklahoma and Texas join the conference, but you know what? That’s pretty good company for the ‘Dores.

Eli Drinkwitz is ‘Happy with a Bowl, Any Bowl, Ken’

Hopes aren’t what you’d ever call high for Missouri heading into each season. While they’ve won the SEC East twice since joining the conference, Missouri has yet to reach the level of true conference contender. Drinkwitz’s tenure, so far, has been middling with six wins the last two seasons. So not quite the Gary Pinkel heights, but measure your expectations for the SEC’s third-best Tigers.

Zach Arnett is ‘Cowbell Ken’

As Bulldogs defensive coordinator, Arnett stepped in as interim head coach when Mike Leach was hospitalized in December. He was named head coach after Leach’s death. With respect to the late coach, we’ll wish Arnett well and say grab your cowbell and find your inner pirate in your first season with the full-time gig.

More on the SEC:

SEC football uniforms ranked: All 14 helmet and jersey combos

SEC football’s 14 funniest characters this century

Ranking the SEC football coaches headed into 2023