I’ve noticed that people like horoscopes. Here’s one for those who know the true meaning of “tump,” “fixin’ to,” and “plumb crazy.”

ARIES (March 21-April 19). You will enjoy biscuits, and wonder why people in other parts of the world cannot figure out a proper recipe. It’s not rocket science, or good Red Zone defense. It’s just frozen butter and flour and some other stuff. Secretly you will rejoice over the world’s ineptitude, because that will mean more biscuits for you.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20). You will realize that Chick-Fil-A freaks you out a little bit. Not because of politics or saturated fats or anything, but because those cows are so stupid. They stand up there on those billboards and condemn chickens to death. And they can’t even spell. .

GEMINI (May 21-June 21). An out of town friend asks if you can settle an argument. “Is hornswoggled some sort of bastard slang or can it be used in civil society?” You are bumfuzzled by the questions, and question whether your friendship has gone cattywampus. Still, in the interest of Southern hospitality, you assure your friends they are not being linguistically hornswoggled.

CANCER (June 22-July 22). You’ll belt out a pretty solid version of “Alabama, Alabama,” the state song written by Julia Tutwiler (the unfortunate namesake of Alabama’s notorious women’s prison), and you’ll realize you don’t know all the verses. You look it up, and sing along until you come to the verse that says: “Hearts as open as thy doorways, Liberal hands and spirits free, Alabama, Alabama, we will aye be true to thee.” And then you’ll die.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22). You drive in your downtown, wondering why engineers can no longer time traffic lights in such a way to improve the flow of traffic. You realize you don’t understand lots of things. Like why people can’t get along, why wars start and DC politicians want to fight instead of find solutions. You just can’t understand. Then you see somebody in a pickup truck with a bumper sticker bragging that his kid can beat up your honor roll student. Suddenly you understand.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). You learn that a lifelong friend, someone who has been there for you in times of triumph and of sorrow, puts sugar in her cornbread recipe. You will face an important decision. Is this relationship worth saving?

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 23). You will see your Uncle Jim at Thanksgiving, the one who gets drunk and makes off color jokes and talks about conspiracies and how everyone you love is going to hell. And somehow you’ll still find reasons to be thankful. If only because you get to go home.

SCORPIO (Oct. 24-Nov. 21). You have struggled with what is important, and wonder if you have taken the right path. Are you just a piece of driftwood on the river of life? Or are you the oarsman of your own destiny? Does any of it really matter? Then it dawns on you. It’s Iron Bowl week, and you again understand what’s important.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21). You’ve struggled for years with the truth, unable to express out loud the way you really feel, especially among friends and family. But you know that sometimes you have to speak your truth, or you betray yourself. So you find a way to say what is important to you: Alabama white sauce is not barbecue sauce. It’s dressing.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19). Look in the mirror and tell yourself “I’m an intelligent person, a full grown adult, and I am good enough.” So when Mama asks if her yams are better than Aunt Martha’s you just nod and say “Of course.”

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18). The kids will want to play touch football in the yard after Thanksgiving dinner. Have your copay ready.

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20). It has been a tough year. You and your family have gone through some stuff, and you begin to doubt people. Then you go out and see them one at a time. The guy down the street stops to chat. That kid smiles. You realize that people are pretty cool when you meet them where they are. Except in politics and football and in the grocery checkout line on the night before Thanksgiving.