Note: This is a humor column.

Mosquitoes adore me. They flock to me like I’m filled with grandma’s banana pudding and then proceed to do the rudest thing possible – they bite me … without even asking first. Anyone who ever walked around polka-dotted with calamine lotion as a child knows what I’m talking about.

Because I am so beloved in the mosquito-verse, I always pay attention to medical advice on how to avoid bites from the insects known as the Alabama “state birds,” especially in years like this one when reports of mosquito-borne illnesses are high.

So I clicked play on the video in which CNN’s medical expert, Dr. Sanjay Gupta, promised to tell people how to avoid being a “mosquito magnet.” You can watch it here.

Basically, he says our chemical makeup and its “distinctive” odor have a lot to do with mosquito-love, which can’t be helped. We are destined to be stalked. We can, however, try blowing our breath away from our bodies with a fan so the skeeters won’t be drawn to our CO2. That’s a new one on me, and I consider myself something of an expert at being a featured item on the mosquito menu.

Then the video taught me something that really creamed my corn: Turns out, wearing the colors of my beloved alma mater, Auburn University, attracts the little bloodsuckers. This could explain why I’m munched on mostly in the fall – my game-day attire and even my nail polish feature shades of orange and blue. But wait … your school colors might be suspect, too. Gupta says, “mosquitoes like darker colors, particularly reds and oranges, so you may want to avoid those colors.” (I get it, Bama fans, he didn’t say “crimson.” But can we all agree crimson is in the red family and is, in fact, a “dark” red?)

Somehow, I doubt this news, while devastating, will stop true Alabama or Auburn fans from wearing reds or oranges. We’ll just have to double up on the repellent … or maybe those beekeeper outfits that cover a person from head to toe come in orange and blue. It’s worth a google.

Gupta’s final bit of advice? Mosquitoes like to bite beer drinkers. I’ll just leave that one right there. Have fun at the tailgate!