Dear Amy: I have been with my girlfriend for three years. We live together and get along really well. We are very open with each other. We also use each other’s phones – no big deal – but we don’t go through each other’s phones. I’ve never gone through her text messages and I assume she has never gone through mine.

I recently used her phone because mine was in our car. I was looking something up when a text message came in from her sister. I could see my name mentioned in the notification so I clicked on it and saw an entire conversation with her sister about me.

I was completely shocked by what I saw. She criticized my looks, my habits, even our sex life. She referred to me by an offensive name. It was just a stream of terrible stuff.

Now I’m not sure what to do. I love her and don’t want to break up. Maybe she was just upset about something and venting?

– Dumped On

Dear Dumped On: When you are upset about something and venting, do you trash her (or anybody else you love) using mocking and offensive language? When you’re mad at her, do you criticize her looks, her habits, and your sex life?

I assume you don’t.

She doesn’t respect you. Couples can come back from many things, but once the basic respect is gone, I don’t think you can get it back.

You have a tough conversation and a tough choice ahead.

You can email Amy Dickinson at [email protected] or send a letter to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068.