This is an opinion column.

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At long last, and after moon landings and Levi’s and Coca-Cola Slurpees mixed with cherry, the height of American culture is finally here.

No, Chick-fil-A isn’t giving away Stanley cups on Sunday. A kid can dream, though.

I’m talking about Taylor Swift combining forces with the power of the Super Bowl to give this great country the deliriously uber-American moment of its WILDEST DREAMS.

The talking-head muppets on TV keep saying that this country is divided and approaching THE GREAT WAR. Don’t believe them. If there’s something we can all agree upon, it’s that the Taylor Swift Super Bowl is guaranteed to bring together people who think they have completely different worldviews all in the name of eating pizza, pigs in a blanket, those weird meatballs in crockpots, buffalo chicken wings, chips and salsa and maybe, for one time only and hopefully never again, even that seven-layer dip your friend’s parents used to make back in the 80s.

Behold, a Super Bowl that HITS DIFFERENT.

Which teams are playing in the game? According to the internet, it’s the team that Taylor Swift’s boyfriend plays for … and another team to be named around kickoff time.

OK, it’s the Chiefs vs. the Niners, but let’s not pretend like the majority of the free world really cares.

All we want to know is if Swift will make it to Las Vegas on time for the big game after performing in a concert over in Tokyo. Don’t screw this up, Japan, or we’ll unleash the Swifties and no one wants that KARMA on their country FOREVER & ALWAYS.

Based on the hype of Swift attending the game, the question shouldn’t be if Swift can make it by kickoff. The real test of our American culture would be if she’s late and the NFL waits to begin the game.

And of course they should.

The Taylor Swift Super Bowl is the biggest story in the history of American sports and that includes the Dream Team, the Miracle on Ice, the Nathan’s Famous International Hot Dog Eating Contest, Ali vs. Frazier II, the Cubs winning the World Series and that time Stone Cold Steve Austin bled all over The Rock in WrestleMania 17.

Maybe I’m exaggerating, but here’s the thing. Most of America doesn’t think so.

For loving couples everywhere across this glorious expanse of RED, white and blue, it doesn’t get any more inclusive than this. Everyone can watch the game together, and, fellas, y’all better not say a thing when the camera keeps panning to Swift in her luxury suite. I’m just trying to help a brother out.

It’s also the weekend before Valentine’s Day, thank our BEJEWELED astrological balls of ENCHANTED floating gas out in BLANK SPACE. This game, in other words, feels BIGGER THAN THE WHOLE SKY.

See, even a sportswriter can awkwardly cram the titles of Swift songs into prose when properly motivated. What can I say, I’ve been feeling inspired by the famous Swift energy ever since the Chiefs got past the Ravens in the AFC championship game.

Some people think the Chiefs making the Super Bowl was actually just a conspiracy by the government to get Swift in front of as many people as possible. And to that brilliant notion, well, all I can say is that real life suddenly feels SWEETER THAN FICTION thanks to the romance between Swift and Chiefs tight end Travis Kelce.

Thanks to Swift, Kelce is now the most famous person in the history of Northeast Ohio and that includes LeBron James and John D. Rockefeller combined.

If you think Kelce is the luckiest guy in the world, then all I can say is that it hasn’t always been THE BEST DAY for MR. PERFECTLY FINE. Bless his heart, Kelce played college football for Tommy Tuberville at the University of Cincinnati. It just goes to show. Sometimes life throws an ANTI-HERO in your path. CALL IT WHAT YOU WANT. You just gotta SHAKE IF OFF.

All of my friends love Swift’s takeover of the Super Bowl, but if you’re at a watch party and some lonely shirt stain named Trevor or Chad or Kanye suddenly gets all up in his feels about T. Swizzle stealing the show, then just remind that smelly frito that BAD BLOOD isn’t allowed and that if he can’t hit the reset button and BEGIN AGAIN, then maybe he should just walk right out the front door and take his unhappy self back to HIGHWAY DON’T CARE.

I’m suddenly wondering what Swift’s Super Bowl snacks are going to be after her long flight across the Pacific Ocean. Will she go straight to turning up with Travis’ older brother, Jason? Will she sing along to Usher’s halftime show? Will she scream “JUMP THEN FALL” when she wants Travis to dive into the end zone?

We’ve reached the zenith of popular culture. The Taylor Swift Super Bowl is here. The NFL has never been more significant or less relevant. What’s the END GAME score? Chiefs 31, Niners 13, of course. I’ve been reporting about sports for a long time. What I’ve learned is this. No matter what happens, don’t question the love between MISS AMERICANA AND THE HEARTBREAK PRINCE.

Joseph Goodman is the lead sports columnist for the Alabama Media Group, and author of the signature book about Nick Saban’s reign at Alabama, “We Want Bama”.