Generation Z isn’t convinced monogamy is the best relationship structure, and more than half of them are considering relationship styles long considered taboo in American culture.

New data from Ashley Madison, the dating website built for affairs (or “married dating”), found Gen Z was over represented among new signups to the site, regardless of if they were married or not. In 2022 alone more than 1.8 million Gen Z joined (of which more than 1 million were from the U.S.) representing 40% of all signups, according to the report published on November 7.

More and more Gen Zers like reddit user r/Marmatus, who shared his experience of having a non-monogamous relationship in the r/Zillennials subreddit, are getting on dating sites in search of a plus one (or more).

“It’s nice having the freedom to explore your sexuality safely and ethically with other people,” said Marmatus, who said at 18 years old he still hadn’t had his first kiss.”The thought of going an entire lifetime only ever having one sexual partner is not something I’d choose for myself. There are only so many experiences that one person can give you.”

More than half of Gen Z respondents (59%) said they would consider a non-monogamous relationship. But why? Reckon spoke with Ashley Madison’s Chief Strategy Officer Paul Keable and Leanne Yau, a relationship expert and the author of the Polyphilia blog and its Instagram account.

What’s unique about Gen Z?

The data on how common cheating is in married relationships is all over the place, with data from various sources suggesting between 20 to 70% of marriages experience cheating.

“A very big misconception that exists about polyamorous people is that we’re all just cheating on our partners, and that our partners are crying themselves to sleep when that’s not the case,” said Yau, who is non-monogamous. “A lot of people believe that it’s not possible for someone to be okay with their partner being with someone else. There are people who are genuinely fine with it, and you don’t have to go behind your partner’s back to do it.”

Just over half (51%) of Gen Z respondents also said they seek multiple partners because they felt one person could not meet all their sexual needs.

“It’s unrealistic to believe that one person can fulfill all my needs to be my best friend, my financial partner, often my co parents, and my lover for all my different interests, needs, desires and curiosities. That’s a big burden for one person to carry day to day. We didn’t really question that in my generation,” Keable said.

Paul said he thinks what makes Gen Z different than generations before when it comes to non-monogamy is the way this generation understands shame. He mentioned the prevalence of premarital sex–something that’s most Americans feel is no longer morally wrong. Data from Guttmacher Institute published in 2006 found premarital sex is practically universal in America with 95% of survey respondents saying they had sex before they were married.

“This Gen Z report is really revealing to people that you can have healthy relationships with multiple people,” said Keable. “You can have healthy sexual opportunities and events through communication that don’t have a negative consequence. Once you remove shame, once you open your eyes and understand that people have different needs and desires at different times, you can see this reality.”

Women are more open to polyamory than men

The stereotype that men are more sexually promiscuous and that women aren’t is moot, according to the Ashley Madison data and Yau’s own followers list.

The data from Ashley Madison showed women were more likely than men to say they felt they could not be happy and monogamous at the same time. Women were also three times more likely than men to say they had “always felt non-monogamous,” according to the data.

While Yau said a cohort from Ashley Madison, the dating website built for affairs, might not be the best group to compare to herself or the content she creates, she said a majority of her followers and fellow polyamory content creators are women.

Another dataset from Ashley Madison found that 80% of the married women on the website who sought out an affair did so because they were in “sexless or orgasmless marriages,” Keable explained.

Challenging the common stereotypes about gender and sexuality is something non-monogamous women like reddit user u/Muted_Key_1007 are still confronting, even in non-monogamous communities.

The woman, who described herself as a 29-year-old married bisexual woman, made the post in the r/nonmonogamy subreddit about her experience being a “unicorn” – a term used to describe women who are the third person in a threesome between an already partnered couple.

“I mostly joined male/female couples with a bi woman looking to explore, but also some male/male bi couples and female/female couples. It was a lot of fun, and it was a great way to explore my sexuality,” she said in the post.

“Aren’t you just cheating?”

Yau said the difference between an affair and ethical non-monogamy is an important distinction for readers to understand, especially considering the data in question came from Ashley Madison–a dating website designed for married people looking to “cheat.”

The site has been at the center of various scandals and data leaks over the last two decades since the site launched in 2001. The website made headlines and became a household name in July 2015 after a list of about 2500 user’s data was posted online, revealing some high-profile people’s extramarital affairs, including disgraced “Counting On” star Josh Duggar.

“The data Ashley Madison collected is interesting and worth discussing. I do think that we have to be very careful not to conflate affairs and cheating with non-monogamy and polyamory,” Yau said.

She explained it like this: An affair is secretive. One partner has a second partner but is hiding the outside relationship. In ethical non monogamy, all the partners are aware of each other and the relationships are agreed upon.

“While these two groups have been conflated, what I can say is that there is definitely an emerging trend of people recognizing that one person doesn’t have to meet all our needs. Whether you’re going to be honest about that or not is up to individual people,” she said.

Keable said his company’s data shows that Gen Z does want discretion when it comes to their sex lives and relationships. They want the power to control the narrative around how they relate to people.

r/Marmatus explained his non-monogamous relationships include his primary partner and two friends with benefits.

“On average I probably see one or the other every month or so. It’s been less frequent than that lately because we’ve all just been really busy, but we also sext and stuff like that quite often. Both of them are in open relationships as well; one is married, the other is in an LTR. My partner isn’t currently seeing anyone else. He has a much lower sex drive than me, which was largely the reason for us transitioning to an open relationship,” he said in a comment on a reddit post.

What about loved ones who don’t understand this lifestyle?

Keable’s response to this question was direct.

“Invite the polycule to Christmas. You may be surprised how much fun your kids’ partners are,” he said.

For Yau, educating people about the possibilities is important to helping other people understand an alternative lifestyle like non-monogamy. The LGBTQ+ rights movement has already helped bring some exposure to these communities, but it’s just the beginning, she explained.

“What is it about exclusivity that is so precious to society, particularly given that infidelity is extremely common in monogamous relationships? I think the normalization queer rights and kink becoming more mainstream and people exploring their desires has opened people to the transformative power of exploring your sexuality,” she said.