Dear Amy: I hate my best friend’s boyfriend.

I met my “Shari” in high school. We have been inseparable ever since. Back then, she was outgoing, radiated confidence, was down to earth, and nothing ever bothered her.

Since she began her relationship with “Stephan,” she is a completely different person.

She is unsure of herself, has no confidence, and she now has frequent anxiety attacks. I attribute all of this to Stephan. She complains about him a lot.

When I first met him, I was in his corner, but the more I hung out with him, the more red flags I saw. He isn’t motivated, has no goals, and is an alcoholic. Shari also noticed all of these things.

Stephan got so drunk the night before my wedding that he forgot to drop off the liquor and food at the venue for the next day.

At the wedding, he got drunk and left right after dinner. Later, Shari went to the hotel room she paid for and found that she wasn’t able to get in.

Stephan had put the security lock on the door so not even the hotel staff could access the room for her.

Shari stayed with me and my new husband the night of our wedding. She was upset and embarrassed.

Stephan has still not apologized to us for his actions, and I have not seen him since.

I want her to leave him. Our other friends don’t understand why I am still friends with her after everything he has done.

I don’t want to lose her as a friend. She’s not responsible for his actions. I’m also terrified that she will marry him.

Amy, should I just give up on my relationship with her?

How can I convince her that she needs to leave this relationship?

– Struggling Friend

Dear Struggling: You may not be able to convince your friend of anything at all.

The power for you will rest on your willingness to stay close with a dear friend who seems to be in an abusive and depleting relationship.

Maintaining this friendship might be very frustrating for you at times, but expressing your hatred of her boyfriend might actually cause her to defend her choices, nudge her toward him, and isolate her even more.

Instead, you should tell her that you want the very best for her, and that you know in your bones that she deserves to be treated well by someone who respects her.

You might also urge her to attend a “friends and family” program like Al-anon. Communicating with other people who are entwined with addicts could help her to find her footing.

You can email Amy Dickinson at [email protected] or send a letter to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068.