Dear Amy: My wonderful daughter is soon to have her first child.

She and her husband, “Jackson” moved to a community not far from his mother.

My husband and I live much further away.

The mother-in-law is a very big personality and often demands attention (especially after a cocktail or three).

Our relationship is not exactly warm, but definitely cordial.

My worry is that when I visit my daughter and the new baby, the mother-in-law will come over and “suck all the oxygen” out of the room.

She is an attention seeker, and all I’ll really want is time with my daughter and the baby.

Am I wrong to want this? My daughter is in the precarious position of trying to be warm and welcoming, and while she is capable of setting boundaries, this may not be her fight.

Any advice?

– Trying to do it Right

Dear Trying: My first piece of advice is that you shouldn’t buy a problem before they’re on sale.

Your assumptions about the dynamic might turn out to be entirely correct, but entering the family system worrying mainly about what you won’t get (enough alone-time with your daughter and grandchild) might not be best for your daughter right now.

You are not wrong to want undivided attention. That’s what most of us want. But of course the real joy of grandparenting is to give attention.

One boundary your daughter should establish immediately is that her mother-in-law should not pop in, unannounced.

You could try to telegraph your expectations in advance of your visit by telling your daughter, “I assume I’ll see Jackson’s mother while I’m visiting, but I hope that I can also enjoy some family time with just you, Jackson, and baby.”

You can email Amy Dickinson at [email protected] or send a letter to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068.