DEAR MISS MANNERS: When we have family gatherings, my sister-in-law and her son will either A. not respond (or only respond with “I’m not sure”) or B. RSVP, but then not show up. When it’s B., they don’t even call or send a last-minute text; we only find out when my brother-in-law arrives and tells us they won’t be attending.

When the gathering is taking place at a restaurant, this causes some mild embarrassment, as the venue booked us a larger table than needed and could have used it for another party.

But it is much more irksome when I am hosting. My husband and I spend quite some time figuring out the best day and time for everyone to meet, taking into account everyone’s work schedules, including theirs, which are all very different. They are also picky eaters — to the point where if a stray vegetable lands on their plate, they will not even move it to the side and eat around it — so I take great care to create a menu that will accommodate all parties as best as possible.

When they don’t show up, I am resentful, as I could have cooked more dishes that would be appealing to the rest of the family. I have wasted a lot of time, money and food, and I am stuck with several days’ worth of leftovers that I don’t even like.

This has been going on for over 20 years and has gotten progressively worse. In the last year, I have resolved my frustration with Scenario A by creating the menu I want — making sure I have at least one dish they will eat, in case they show up. Is my solution acceptable to Miss Manners, or is this rude and not being a good host?

When I am presented with Scenario B, is there a polite way I can say, “Are you REALLY sure you will be attending?”

GENTLE READER: At a minimum, a good host must provide something for everyone.

However, there is no rule about how much. A host can — within reason, and so long as they deny having done so — vary the variety and quantity by such considerations as how much is likely to be consumed, how peremptory the guest is in making demands, and how desirable is the guest’s company.

Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, [email protected]; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.