Dear Amy: My spouse and a close friend of ours recently had a heated and deep argument. This involved philosophic and even theological differences, which had never before been revealed.

This unresolved conflict left my spouse unwilling to discuss the subject any further, and our friend hurt and dismayed at the lack of willingness on my spouse’s part for a continued debate on the issue.

I am feeling caught in the middle.

I am trying hard to stay neutral because both people are important to me. Obviously, I am loyal and supportive to my spouse.

However, over the years, I have also become a close confidant to our friend.

At this point, my spouse just wants to move on. But our friend, who we see often, is obviously hurting and feeling betrayed.

That said, as of late, my neutrality has started to feel forced and uncomfortable.

Do I say something to my friend to try to assuage the problem, and yet be disloyal to my spouse?

Or do I remain neutral and risk losing a good friend?

– Trying to be the Good Guy

Dear Trying: Your spouse claims to want to “move on.” I take this to mean that your spouse would basically like to table this conflict and move forward, awkward as that might be.

If that is the case, then I wonder why your friend is left feeling hurt and betrayed. Would the friend like to continue the conversation in order to persuade your spouse to adopt the friend’s point of view?

Engaging in a “continued debate” is not everyone’s idea of a useful or productive way to conduct a relationship, especially if the parties don’t communicate effectively or respectfully when they are discussing their differences.

I suggest that you work on examining your own perspective.

The disagreement is between the two parties. You should feel comfortable speaking to your friend without believing you are being disloyal to your spouse, as long as you basically urge both parties in the same direction: “I hope you two can work things out to the extent that at the very least you agree to disagree so that we can all move forward in our friendship. That’s the most important thing to me.”

You can email Amy Dickinson at [email protected] or send a letter to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068.