Dear Annie: Does my wife need better money habits?

Dear Annie: I’ve been married for 33 years. My wife has children and grandchildren from a different marriage. She has a wonderful job and makes great money. I am now retired. I have a nice little nest egg from my pension.

About 15 years ago, while we had a joint checking account that I trusted her to be in charge of, I found out she was giving away all our extra money to her children and keeping just enough to pay the bills. I decided we would have to have our own bank accounts. She got a loan in 2017 for $21,000 to pay off her credit cards, which she paid off in 2019. When I retired in 2020, I paid off her credit cards once more and a new car hoping to encourage her to stop spending and start saving.

Since January of 2020, she has made $69,000 in bonus money. She says she has $15,000 left in her other bank that she uses. Her only credit card that I have seen, and she has more than one, is back up to $10,000. Added up since last January, she has given away $54,000, mostly to her daughter.

None of her bonus money buys anything for our household or marriage. She has no retirement savings, 401Ks or anything. She had a 401K through her work but took that money out and doesn’t recall what it was used for. She is 67 years old. I recently told her that she needs to get help with her spending and that I would support her and stand by her through this. She has decided not to seek help and says she can stop spending on her own.

I have seen this movie over and over for too many years. I live with a woman who has two lives, but her life with her “sponge family” seems more important to her. I’ll take any advice. — Hopeless

Dear Hopeless: Your wife’s financial decisions seem to be motivated differently; on one hand, she blows money in a way you’ve defined as a serious spending problem. On the other hand, quite a bit of money is going to her daughter. I can’t help but wonder if her daughter is OK — has something drastic happened in her life where she needs access to a large chunk of money quickly?

Ultimately, you and your wife need to have an open, honest conversation about your finances. Whether you decide to sit down with a financial adviser to figure out a plan for your joint finances or you keep things entirely individually instead, you must lay everything out on the table — for money’s sake and your marriage’s sake — before you can move toward a resolution.

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“How Can I Forgive My Cheating Partner?” is out now! Annie Lane’s second anthology — featuring favorite columns on marriage, infidelity, communication and reconciliation — is available as a paperback and e-book. Visit Creators Publishing for more information. Send your questions for Annie Lane to [email protected].