This is an opinion column.

I’m not saying this is how the University of Alabama – my alma mater – decided to push a plan that would let some students get by without taking even one history, literature or foreign language class, or more than one writing-intensive course.

Not saying that. I’m just saying this is how I imagine it all went down.

History Be History: A play in one act

In a corner office filled with all the accouterments of Alabama academia – mahogany and brass, sheepskin and a Nick Saban bobblehead – DEAN MUCKETYMUCK looks desperately for his lackeys. He stabs a button on his phone, trying desperately to call his secretary.

DEAN MUCKETYMUCK

Where are they, Sam? This institution is staring down the barrel of a cliff and I can’t find my right- and left-handed men! Where are they?

SECRETARY SAM

I believe that’s a mixed metaphor again, sir, and …

DEAN MUCKETYMUCK

You are exactly why nobody likes English majors. Find them! Now!

SECRETARY SAM

They are on the roof with the telescope again, sir. They’re trying to find out if Bryan Harsin has entered the Saban Second Chances Program for Wayward Coaches. Nick would like to get him acclimated by the Iron Bowl. I told them to come down pronto.

DEAN MUCKETYMUCK (grumbling)

Well, I suppose that’s a good use of their time. Part of the process, you know. But I need them.

Suddenly there is a commotion and the door bursts open. Two of the Dean’s lackeys bust through, then realize their mistake. Nodding and bowing they close the door and knock again.

DEAN MUCKETYMUCK (bellowing)

Come in, for Pete Golding’s sake! We’ve got trouble.

LACKEYS #1 and #2, (in unison)

Yes sir.

DEAN MUCKETYMUCK

You know this great university is on the pathway to greatness. We’ve doubled enrollment since 2000 – doubled, Hail Saban.

LACKEYS #1 and #2, (in unison)

Hail Saban!

DEAN MUCKETYMUCK

Sixty percent of students come from out of state. True, a lot of them come for football and parties, but you know what they say…

LACKEYS #1 and #2, (in unison)

It just means more.

DEAN MUCKETYMUCK

Exactly. But the problem is the statisticians are telling us we’re about to fall off the edge. Not as many students want to go to college, and they say we’ll see a 15 percent drop by the end of the decade. So we need …

LACKEY #1

New statisticians?

DEAN MUCKETYMUCK

Write that down. Let’s make more of those.

LACKEY #2

But if we doubled in size since 2000, isn’t 15 percent a small number?

DEAN MUCKETYMUCK

Get out! Get out! What do you think we are?

LACKEY #2

A school?

DEAN MUCKETYMUCK

We run this place like a business, or a football team. Every play every day every way. We grow or we die.

Lackey #2 heads for the door, rebuked.

DEAN MUCKETYMUCK

Where do you think you’re going? We have problems to solve. Our new students aren’t exactly … graduating. Only a little over half are making it all the way through. Students are asking for a change to general education, and we need to give them what they think they need to succeed.

LACKEY #1

A well-rounded education?

DEAN MUCKETYMUCK

Yes. But no. But sort of.

LACKEY #2

Isn’t that what that task force has been working on since – well since Tua came off the bench and won the natty in 2018? I thought they had a bunch of ideas.

DEAN MUCKETYMUCK

Well they do, but sometimes those academics write too much stuff down. It is confusing.

The bottom line is, students want to come in and learn how to make a lot of money so they can build big things, like new fraternity houses and business schools, and contribute to their alma mater.

LACKEY #1

Good causes.

LACKEY #2

Roll Tide.

DEAN MUCKETYMUCK

But we are boring them to death with academic requirements when they first get here. We ask them to take writing courses and history courses and literature courses and foreign language courses – which they probably had in high school anyway.

SECRETARY SAM has just poked her head in the door to remind the Dean of an upcoming tee time with the Board of Trustees. She overhears the last comment and interjects.

SECRETARY SAM

I find that a liberal arts education prepares students for a lifetime of learning. Technology changes, trends change, but reading and art and an understanding of cultures make people more adaptable and productive. When you understand history you understand your place in it. I can’t imagine an education without, you know, Shakespeare and Dickens and James Baldwin.

LACKEY #1

Ack! She said liberal!.

LACKEY #2

Ack! She said history, too! Is that even legal now? This is a school, right?

LACKEY #1

I thought it was a business. Or a football team?

DEAN MUCKETYMUCK

You’re idiots, but you are right. We can never expect students to stick around and learn if we make them do all that reading right off the bat. We need to let them decide what they want to learn. Make it happen.

LACKEYS #1 and #2, (in unison).

Roll Tide!

Curtain falls.

***

The University of Alabama says it is “committed to providing a premier education for its students,” and the process to change its core curriculum began years ago and is “meant as a starting point for general education reform.” You can read the entire statement here.

John Archibald is a Pulitzer Prize-winning columnist for AL.com.

See also from Kyle Whitmire: Alabama’s Confederate mansions get state money, distort history