Dear Annie: My adult son refuses to get help for his addiction problems

Dear Annie: My husband and I divorced after 34 years of marriage. Our adopted son was 15 at the time of the divorce. We had adopted him as an infant at birth and raised him as our own. When he was 6, he was diagnosed with ADHD. We never put him on Ritalin because we were aware of drug use by his mother. He never graduated high school. He is now in his early 30s and is a drug addict who has been homeless for 11 years.

When he was in his early 20s, he was diagnosed with Asperger’s syndrome, bipolar disorder and drug-induced schizophrenia. He smokes fentanyl and does meth and heroin. He’s been in rehab, but he will not go anymore. Our relationship has deteriorated due to his choices to do drugs. He refuses to stop using street drugs and will not take prescription drugs due to side effects.

This is breaking my heart. He doesn’t think he needs help and refuses help to change. He verbally abuses me like my ex-husband did. My ex has not seen him in years. He has become irrational. I was in Al-Anon for over five years. He wants to live in my house, and I always tell him no. No drugs in my house. He says I “threw him to the streets.” He plays the victim. Please advise me on how not to be manipulated by him. — Hurting in California

Dear Hurting in CA: I am so sorry that you are going through this. Your son is a very sick adult and needs treatment. But he is an adult, and the best thing you can do for him is what you have been doing. Keep attending Al-Anon and getting support from other parents, spouses, children and others who are all experiencing the pain of loving someone with a drug addiction. Not letting him back in the house is the kindest thing you can do for him.

While he is still using, he can’t be under your roof. That would just be enabling his behavior. Tell him how much you love him, and encourage him to attend rehab and get the much-needed help that he and you deserve. Best of luck to you and your family.

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“How Can I Forgive My Cheating Partner?” is out now! Annie Lane’s second anthology — featuring favorite columns on marriage, infidelity, communication and reconciliation — is available as a paperback and e-book. Visit Creators Publishing for more information. Send your questions for Annie Lane to [email protected].