Dear Eric: When my husband and I disagree, the fight often comes down to him saying, “You just look for reasons to be mad at me.”

It is so demeaning to me.

And it relieves him from responsibility: because if my grievances are simply imaginary, he doesn’t need to do anything.

We don’t have many disagreements, but neither do we make progress when they happen.

I wish for some more understanding. Can you provide some advice?

– Tired of Fighting

Dear Tired: You’re right on the money: it takes any onus off of him and makes his behavior your responsibility, and your problem. It’s helpful, in a calm moment, to communicate this to him using “I” statements. Explain how it feels when he says it, and how you wish it to be different.

Now, the big caveat is that you may say that even this is a reason you’re finding to be mad at him. Here’s the thing about being mad at a partner: sometimes you really don’t have to go looking for it. And that can be OK – we’re human; we don’t always see eye to eye. But if he can’t acknowledge your feelings as valid, even if he doesn’t agree, he’s giving you another reason to be mad. And worse, he’s undermining you.

This is an unhealthy way to argue. Many couples benefit from tackling this issue in couples’ therapy. It may seem a little backwards to go into therapy with the stated desire to argue better. But therapy isn’t always about getting you to a place where you never argue. It’s about getting you to a place where, when arguments happen, they’re rooted in clear, productive communication, so that you can move through it, rather than getting stuck in it.

He’s latching on to a narrative about you that is getting both of you stuck. Talking about your process for disagreement with a therapist will help untangle the narrative and write a new one.

Read more Asking Eric and other advice columns.

Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.